As you enter the foyer, the coat check is on your right. Watch your constituents go up to collect the checks they’ve been promised. But wait, the checks are coated with ectoplasm from the ghosts of Trump’s dead promises – DOGE checks, tariff dividend checks, Republican victory checks, all slipping right out of their hands. Run, before the disgruntled mob turns to you for answers!
For me, culling elderly and disabled Orcs has never had anything to do with money. It’s just something I enjoy doing. Then again, I never claimed otherwise. I mean, I don’t want to toot my own fanfare trumpet, but if I declare that the purpose of the power I wield is forged into the One Ring, where I’ve poured my cruelty, my malice, and my will to dominate all life – well, then, I’m going to stand by that. Period. I’m not going to blab on and on for millennia about fiscal responsibility, and then – when I finally have power – suddenly be like, “Never mind.”
A “Biological President” is naturally “male,” meaning an individual who has, had, or would have, but for a historical polo accident, the reproductive system that at some point produces, transports, and ejects sperm for exclusively male purposes, such as fertilization or so-called “sexual assault,” which is defined as the legal and victim-less playboy antics of a rogue, rake, or rapscallion.
Using the proven science of personality, a “kingdom reorganization plan” reallocates our favorite players into highly productive, autonomous units. Alliances are based on each character’s Jungian temperament, not on antiquated notions of bloodline or geography. A literal game-changer!
The Intergalactic Council for Disease Control has issued new guidance for travel to Earth, relaxing some restrictions. Most travel illnesses on Earth are minor, such as thorax rash, overhydration, or motion sickness from TikTok.
I tried to intervene, shaking the facilitator by the shirt lapels, waving smelling salts, and presenting a viral tweet about cheese. I said, “Come back to me!” But an argument broke out about whether it was the same year here as it was in Europe. “I’m telling you,” someone said. “I know for a fact that American women have been voting for at least the past two years.” “With their ANKLES SHOWING?” said the facilitator.
Why have more than one door when you’ll never leave? This is the paradise you thought was only for other people! Every exquisite feature of this bespoke property reflects your public record. Constructed by Unhallowed Homes and occasionally materializing near Cancun…
Approach the couch with caution. Do not allow the couch to make initial contact. Go about your business and refrain from reaching down to caress premium chenille or velvet fabrics. If the couch nudges or bumps you for contact, stand still and slowly turn off “The Great British Baking Show.”
Are you ready for this, my barren rock garden babies? Can you handle it? Well, then let’s go! Shrink your goddamn pupils, mother fuckers — these savage hues are going to char your cones.
Sometimes, couples who share a diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea discover that they also share an interest in experimentation with forcing pressurized air through hose delivery systems, thus accidentally revolutionizing their sex lives. We hope that one day you find someone you love this much, and when you do, you can entrust them with your heated tubing.
HAVE YOU NOTICED an influx of fashionistas in your neighborhood? These newcomers and their fabulous everyday infinity scarves are so intriguing that you’ve already snatched a few strangers from their research vessel. But even though you were raised by alligators or gestated in a nuclear cooling pool, you understand that these encounters have not been on point.
It won’t seem that bad the first dozen times you have Tag Team in full effect, kicking the flow with DC The Brain Supreme, and his man Steve Roll’n. We’re party people, right? We like to jump, jump rejoice, just like anyone else does. You might even think you imagined the potential harm that my decision could cause. But if I let you believe that, I’d be gaslighting you. The party is over here and it’s over there.
We stand by our journalistic integrity. We have plumbed the depths to identify why the divorced, American commoner who married into the curated gene pool of our ceremonial oligarchy is so “grating.” Thus far, our reporting suggests that the Duchess of Sussex is “not the right sort,”
With 100% less substance than actual efforts to make things better, the sentiment “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” is the rich new way to respond to your recent decisions. For example, let’s say you choose to spread a succulent deception. What can you possibly say about the unsavory behavior of some who consume it? That’s easy. “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”
Thank you, High School Friend. Thanks for changing the subject when we get dangerously close to discussing current events. I appreciate the reminder to avoid hot-button topics, such as, How are you doing?