Your Racist Aunt
Aunt Margaret is already a bit wobbly thanks to her red wine habit, and Thanksgiving is the perfect opportunity to throw her over your shoulder and send her teetering into oblivion. She shouldn’t require more than a gentle push for a truly epic tumble—which she deserves for being among the shameful percentage of white women who set your state back 30 years.
Make sure to use both hands to physically flip Nancy, a known Trump acolyte, on your way to the break room. Her surprisingly unstable ergonomic chair won’t stand a chance against your leftist rage—much like immigrants seeking asylum won’t stand a chance against her xenophobia.
Your Bikini Waxer
Anatolia didn’t even register to vote, but she’s made her stance on LGBT rights alarmingly clear. Next time she’s elbows deep in your mons pubis, forcefully thrust your abdomen upward. The torque should send her sailing backward, perhaps directly into the canister of steamy hot wax. Don’t worry—she will be fine. Unlike your gay friends, who will continue to live in fear.
Your Kid’s Scout Leader
You’ve had your suspicions ever since you noticed a “Don’t Tread On Me” pamphlet peeking out of Dave’s wilderness duffel. Now, what better place to flip this callous outdoorsman than your kid’s upcoming annual canoe trip? A subtle nudge will easily capsize his canoe, giving him the rest of the float to think about the ways he’s jeopardized the reproductive rights of women everywhere.
Your College Boyfriend
Between the half-hearted cunnilingus, the tacky Vineyard Vines pullovers and his lust for defunding Social Security, Braxton has a lot to atone for. Luckily, his tech startup, ShitBro, is based in the same coworking space as your martial artist friend Jill. She’ll flip him with ease the next time he’s distracted by the busted Keurig.
Your Most Unrelenting Twitter Stalker
Evan spends most of his time replying to your irreverent tweets with his own poorly crafted attempts at jokes. The next time he insists that election results have no real bearing on individual quality of life, slide into his DMs with a sick burn that will send him somersaulting backward in his red pleather gaming chair.
Your New Republican Senator
There’s no wrong way to flip this guy.
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Lillian Stone is a midwest-based journalist, bitter satirist and Boston Terrier wrangler. Her writing can be found in McSweeney’s and several midwestern lifestyle publications. Follow Lillian on Twitter at @originalspinstr