Guy Fieri Receives His Enneagram Results

IT’S TRUE, PEOPLE: Even the Mayor of Flavortown™ needs to take a moment or two for some soul-searchin’! That’s why I took a brief break from moisturizing my “Kulinary Gangster” tattoo to peer deep into my psyche with the help of the popular Enneagram personality test, brutha!

I gotta tell ya, I heard about the test from my good friend Bobby Flay. He says to me, “Guy, when you take a break from boogie boarding in the Flavortown™ community pool, you should take this test to learn more about how to be your best self!”

Then I said, “Bobby, why don’t you shut up and go spend some time with your cat, Nacho Flay?”

And THEN I sat down to consume a porchetta that I wasn’t gonna FORGETTA! But, midway through that savory, fatty showstopper of a snack, I realized that something was, y’know, naggin’ at me. I DID want to get to know my true self. I DID want to uncover the man beneath the sleek frosted tips! Damn! Now, without further ado, the Mayor of Flavortown™ is ready to get to know himself a little betta, brutha!

Looks like I’m… Type Eight: “The Challenger.” Okay, an Eight! Let’s, uh, let’s check this out. Let’s dive in here like we’re going elbows-deep in a roasted hog. That’s what I call funkalicious!

Looks like Type Eights are unwilling to be controlled. Yeah, I’m a master of my fate! Funkalicious! I’m strong-willed, decisive, tough and energetic. That’s how you govern a lawless land like Flavortown™, baby!

Says here that Type Eights are also domineering. Domineering? Whoa, whoa, Enneagram. I might have a big personality – and a BIG appetite for some seriously funky FLAVORS!!! – but I’d hesitate to classify myself as domineering. I mean, sure, I do spend a lot of my time ensuring that the residents of Flavortown™ stay on the straight and narrow. But if I don’t make sure the Flavortown™ Community Library adheres to the Dewey Decimal System, who’s gonna do it? Bobby Flay sure ain’t gonna do it! No way, my BRUTHA!

According to this test, Type Eights are also prone to anger. Yeah, okay – I work hard, I play hard, I love hard, I fight hard! It’s the Fieri way! I mean, when that son of a bitch Pete Wells gave Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar a zero-star review back in 2012, I took umbrage, my brutha! Umbrage! Damn!

Speaking of umbrage: Don’t even get me started on that time I had to disarm a culinary outlaw in Flavortown™! That son of a bitch tried to put beluga caviar on a buttermilk biscuit. You don’t put beluga on a biscuit! Not on my watch, son! Not in Flavortown™! Unfortunately, his wife went straight to the Flavortown™ bail bondsman and broke his ass out of the Flavortown™ jail. Damn! Umbrage!

Says here that Eights struggle with a real fear of vulnerability. Damn! I feel SEEN, my BRUTHA! I haven’t cried openly since I was 10, when I wept from the sheer joy of building my very own bicycle-powered pretzel cart. I called it “The Awesome Pretzel!” It was FUNKALICIOUS!

Damn, Enneagram. You straight dove into the ol’ Fieri pscyhe! Yes, you did, my brutha! Maybe ol’ Guy Fieri need to spend some more time looking inward. Maybe the Mayor of Flavortown™ needs to take a step back from the griddle to do a little introspection. Maybe I need to focus a little less on the finer things in life – like my yellow Lamborghini with the “FLVRTWN” vanity plate – and a little more on making sweet, funky culinary music! After all, I can’t play the guitar, but I can play the damn griddle! Funkalicious!

This Enneagram test is so fresh it’ll slap ya! Damn! Peace, love and taco grease!