Honest Spring Cleaning Intentions

Update my task tracker app to get rid of the notifications.

Turn five small piles of paper into two large stacks.

Figure out what, exactly, “dusting” is, then contemplate doing that thing, but opt to clear out my Hulu queue instead.

Crumple the Post-it with this year’s dusting/sweeping/mopping resolutions. And last year’s Post-it. And the resolutions of the year before that. Then defeat my trash can in a solid game of Post-It basketball.

Delete “Is the sticky part of the Post-it recyclable?” from my recent search history.

Scrub my social media accounts of underappreciated selfies from winter, fall, summer.

Bookmark five articles in my browser about the benefits of deleting browser bookmarks.

Inflate my old air mattress to check if it still works, and then take a nap to really test it.

Take another nap on my bed to be fair.

Wake up and empty all of the clothes from my drawers onto the floor, then consolidate my hopes of ever going through them all.

Pick the dead leaves off my houseplant, put the houseplant right back on the windowsill, and toss out anyone who mentions root rot.

Call Bed Bath & Beyond to inquire whether the “Beyond” includes a cleaning service. If so, does my 20% off coupon apply? If not, well, what’s cookin’? That’s my fun way of asking how you are doing. Oh, you don’t need to worry about letting me go; I have all day free to chat.

Sweep the metaphorical clutter of life under the metaphorical rug, and just kind of shake out the actual rug a little bit and move on to the kitchen.

Rearrange the refrigerator magnets by size, then by color, and then by how they were before.

Start “clean eating” (eating onion rings on a clean plate).

Notice one impossible-to-reach cobweb in the corner of the kitchen ceiling and spend hours combing through my hundreds of browser bookmarks for that one article I’m pretty sure I read somewhere about building a ladder from pipe cleaners. Or maybe it was Legos. No, I’m pretty sure it was spoons. Where is this article? Everything else can wait. Why do I have so many browser bookmarks again? I really should–OH NOOOOO A MASSIVE SPIDER.

Flush out my eye ducts in a late-afternoon sobfest.

Decide I’m more of a “summer cleaning” person.