Heroic Cover-Up Stories for Embarrassing Injuries

So you…Lost your two front teeth biting into a decorative peach.


Say you…Donated them to replace the long-gone incisors of your down-the-street neighbor’s beloved 17-year-old dachshund.

So you…Gave yourself a black eye in bed at 2 a.m. by dropping your phone on your face.


Say you…Intercepted a mighty pigeon as it attempted to steal a preschooler’s graham cracker and it viciously pecked you. The graham cracker, unlike your eye, remained unscathed.

So you…Broke your ankle in your bedroom while running in place. (The gym wasn’t closed. You just didn’t want to put on pants.)


Say you…Kicked down the front door of a burning contemporary art museum to save its most famous piece. It was a green canvas with an olive-green piece of string and it was titled “Yellow.” It was worth $4.5 million but after your brave ankle-breaking act, the piece tripled in value.

So you…Got food poisoning after microwaving frozen filet mignon for breakfast.


Say you…Contracted a rare parasite after spending your weekend in Antarctica domesticating service penguins. Mouth-feeding was your way of showing the penguins you cared.

So you…Got 17 stitches after bending down too quickly and hitting your head on the sidewalk. You thought you saw a dime. It was gum.


Say you…Participated in a research experiment on the brains of brilliant and courageous people. The scientists personally recruited you to be a subject of the study, but it’s embarrassing to talk about.

So you…Bruised your arm while shimmying it under your couch to get the sour gummy worm you dropped.


Say you…Were thiiiiiis close to having your own 127 Hours moment while hiking last weekend. When Hollywood inevitably came knocking, you humbly declined the movie deal.

So you…Broke your arm while dream-fencing.


Say you… broke your arm while real-life fencing. It sounds very noble and you don’t have to worry about follow-up questions because nobody really knows how fencing works.

So you…Herniated a disc while following a YouTube tutorial on “How to Fold Laundry.” On the way to the hospital, you cracked a rib car-dancing to an advertisement jingle on the radio. Then in the ER, your doctor tried to make you laugh to ease the pain, and you fractured your hand slapping your knee at her medical pun.


Say you…Oh geez, nope. There is no coming back from all that. As the doctor advised, you knee-d to be more careful.