Betsy DeVos Letter to New & Returning Public School Students

Welcome back students!

It’s so nice—and surprising—to see how many of you have returned to the crumbling, rat-infested dust pile that is the American public school system. I certainly would’ve expected that my many recent modifications to the education system would’ve deterred you from returning to classrooms across this country.

But, heavens, it just means that as Secretary of Education, I’m not doing enough to keep you out of the toxic sludge that is the public school! So, with that in mind, I’m proposing a few more modifications to your public school experience.

‘Every Non-White Child Left Behind’ Policy

I originally liked the No Child Left Behind policy because I thought it meant that we weren’t going to leave any children behind in any public school and were going to transition all the students to charter schools. But then I remembered that there are more than white children in our schools.

There are also brown and black children—mixing freely with our white children. My own children attended charter schools. So, I was simply unaware that children from other races got educated.

With the roll out of our ENWCLB policy we’ll transition all the white children to charter schools. There they’ll enjoy white-only activities like pickleball, bible studies, and yacht ownership.

Rightsizing Our Book-To-Student Ratio

Public schools have long clamored for such luxuries as school supplies. But, if you insist on attending public school, you’re going to have to learn one of the golden rules of the modern world: do more with less.

With that in mind, there’ll know be a one book per classroom limit. The book is Art of the Deal. Learn it. Know it. Don’t try to eat it. Our rollout of Pizza Hut® cafeterias is going well. They should provide all the nutrition a public school student needs.

And, public school students, use your time with Art of the Deal wisely. Knowledge of that book may be all that separates you from working in the slaughterhouse—or being sent to the slaughterhouse.

Yacht Internship Program

Maybe a conventional, underfunded basic educational experience isn’t right for you. Well, good news you little godless heathens, for a limited time, I (and many of my other obscenely wealthy friends) are looking for hardworking interns for our mega-yachts. It’s a terrific, non-paying opportunity for many of you that are cursed with having parents that can’t recognize the goshdarn goodness of a charter school.

So, if you’re interested, I command you to visit one of our Yacht Intern for Kids Exciting School sessions! We’ll have you shanghaied in no time! (‘Shanghai’ is a colorful word for starting a new opportunity. See, working on a yacht is its own educational experience!)

In Conclusion

There are other plans that I’ve been dreaming up but apparently there are still some existing laws that prevent me from mandating that each public school classroom contains an open drain pipe that sprays sewage across the room at random intervals.

Still we’re working on some exciting new courses for those of you who insist on returning to school: Speling in the New World, Private Army 101, and The Geography of Heaven.

That’s all for now. We’ll see you at the metal detector students!