Congratulations! On behalf of my fellow period 2 Honors Biology lab partners, it is my pleasure to offer you a spot in our group project. Out of a group of very qualified applicants, we have chosen you to be our only female member. Mrs. Newton made us pick a girl to join this excellent team of four young men, and you fit the bill as pretty enough but not, like, distractingly pretty, and smart. Almost as smart as us.
You are joining an extraordinarily talented, homogeneous group of boys who have been coasting in this class all semester and plan to continue doing so.
We believe this group will be like a family. You’re the wife, obviously, so we expect you to be in charge of all the beaker cleaning and bringing snacks when we have after school meetings. Think of this project like a pregnancy, where the girl does most of the work, but the guy swoops in at the end to get half the credit.
You are joining our top tier group studying rocks or some shit. We haven’t figured out what our project is on yet, but it’s biology, so probably rocks or some shit. You have the exciting opportunity to choose the topic for us, as long as it’s not about periods. That would be gross.
If you need financial aid, please tell us immediately so we can kick you out of the group. You think we’re going to be the ones to pay for materials?
Once you decide to accept our offer, which you must because you’d be a total bitch not to, please inform Mrs. Newton, so she can stop whining to us about how we’re “part of the patriarchal problem” and keep “harassing girls in the class”.
Remember to bring those snacks to our first meeting. We look forward to talking over you.
Josh, Bryan, Matt, and other Bryan
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Rachel Keller is a New Jersey based writer and student at NYU Gallatin School of Individualized Study. She has studied improv and sketch at the Upright Citizens Brigade. You can find a piece of her hair onscreen in the season finale of Madame Secretary.