If Jessica boards a train at 9:05pm and arrives at her destination one minute after midnight, is she still thinking about that weird thing you said to her at Justin’s Halloween party three years ago?
Harry, Jana and Max all share a birthday. If Harry turns 54 at 3:21PM, will you stop comparing yourself to that 21-year-old who got his dream job after his tweet went viral?
You have two dimes and a quarter. How many more quarters do you need in order to finally do the laundry that’s been in your hamper for three weeks, daring you to spend another day turning your underwear inside out and berating yourself for ignoring your basic needs?
Sally’s father is her doctor, but her mother is her doctor’s doctor. If you are Sally’s mother’s doctor, will you let go of that time you got a C in your 11th grade physics class and grapple with the imposter syndrome that made you hold onto a grade for twelve years?
In your left pocket are two buttons. In your right pocket are two rocks. If you move a button from your left pocket and a rock from your right pocket, will you suddenly have the confidence to hit “send” on that networking email you’ve been drafting for two weeks?
A man is standing on the border of two states. If he can manage to be in two places at once, why can’t you manage your commute so you aren’t perpetually disappointing everyone by being five minutes late?
You’re in a hall with a red door, a blue door, and a green door. Each door leads to a different room. If you open the red door, will you even process what’s behind it or will you be too fixated on the fear that you’ll never have an apartment with this many rooms?
Four best friends enter a movie theatre, but there are only three tickets available. If one of the four friends doesn’t get to see the movie, is that one friend you because maybe your best friends don’t consider you their best friend?
A ship departs from the Boston Harbor at 3PM EST. A second ship departs from Antarctica at the same time. At what time will you be hit by a wave of existential fear that makes “goodbyes” feel like deaths and make up an excuse to miss your friend’s going-away-to-LA party?
You have a tennis ball and a basketball. If you throw both up in the air at the same time, does it matter which one lands first because we’re destroying the planet for our children, which is not to say you even want children, but I mean, if you DO want children, and if it’s even responsible to bring children onto a dying planet, which is a big “if”, then who cares what ball lands first, right?
Johnny and Robbie are identical twins. Johnny circles the earth in space for a year, while Robbie stays on earth for the same year. In the course of that year, why haven’t either of them texted you back?
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Kate Herzlin is a New York-based playwright, screenwriter and comedy writer who overuses the rule of three. Her work can be seen in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Little Old Lady Comedy, and others. She’s trying to be a better millennial by tweeting more often @kateherzlin.