Best of 2022

Financial Terms, According To My Teenager


Annoying yardwork your parents make you do.

Checking Account 

Seeing how many likes your Insta post got.

Custodial Account

Daily count of gum wads removed from the bottom of school desks.

Gross Margin

Penis doodles along the edges of your Great Expectations book.

Margin Call

The phone call your parent receives after the teacher spots your Gross Margin.


When your parents force you to listen to Air Supply’s Greatest Hits in the car.

Liquid Assets

Liquor cabinet in Drew’s house.

Clearing House

Taking off from Drew’s party when his parents unexpectedly return.


Ability to deceive parents. Like, “It was just a sleepover.”

Joint Account

Friends backing up your alibi. Only works if they have Liability.


When your parents take away your phone as punishment.


Handcuffs you found in your parents’ bedroom drawer when looking for your phone.


A clothing store my parents still think is cool.


A brownie in the shape of a cookie. Bussin’ tasty.

Compound Interest

When you and your friend like the same person.

Horizontal Integration 


Vertical Integration 

Same thing, against a wall.

Maturity Date

Date with a college girl.

Net Exposure

Flexin’ b-ball trick shots on TikTok to get more followers.

Junk Bond

A lifelong addiction to sugar because your parents forbid it.


When you buy all the Skittles at CVS.


Four or more zits in a constellation, or one North Star.


Call of Duty.

Asset Swap

When your parents give you 20 bucks for school supplies and you spend it on 12 liters of Mountain Dew hidden under your bed.


Sleeping till noon.

Game Theory

Detailed theoretical analysis on the lore of Minecraft’s ancient civilization of Endermen, uncovered through hours of research during study hall.


All the possible paths you could take in the multiverse other than going to college. For example, Professional Gamer on YouTube.

Absorbed Cost

Costs I don’t see because my parents will pay for everything.