Financial Terms, According To My Teenager
Annoying yardwork your parents make you do.
Seeing how many likes your Insta post got.
Daily count of gum wads removed from the bottom of school desks.
Penis doodles along the edges of your Great Expectations book.
The phone call your parent receives after the teacher spots your Gross Margin.
When your parents force you to listen to Air Supply’s Greatest Hits in the car.
Liquor cabinet in Drew’s house.
Taking off from Drew’s party when his parents unexpectedly return.
Ability to deceive parents. Like, “It was just a sleepover.”
Friends backing up your alibi. Only works if they have Liability.
When your parents take away your phone as punishment.
Handcuffs you found in your parents’ bedroom drawer when looking for your phone.
A clothing store my parents still think is cool.
A brownie in the shape of a cookie. Bussin’ tasty.
When you and your friend like the same person.
Same thing, against a wall.
Date with a college girl.
Flexin’ b-ball trick shots on TikTok to get more followers.
A lifelong addiction to sugar because your parents forbid it.
When you buy all the Skittles at CVS.
Four or more zits in a constellation, or one North Star.
Call of Duty.
When your parents give you 20 bucks for school supplies and you spend it on 12 liters of Mountain Dew hidden under your bed.
Sleeping till noon.
Detailed theoretical analysis on the lore of Minecraft’s ancient civilization of Endermen, uncovered through hours of research during study hall.
All the possible paths you could take in the multiverse other than going to college. For example, Professional Gamer on YouTube.
Costs I don’t see because my parents will pay for everything.
Lynn Hsu is a cartoonist and writer living in Boston. She is a contributor to The New Yorker, Air Mail, Slackjaw, American Bystander, and other humor publications.