Financial Terms, According To My Teenager
Hedging
Annoying yardwork your parents make you do.
Checking Account
Seeing how many likes your Insta post got.
Custodial Account
Daily count of gum wads removed from the bottom of school desks.
Gross Margin
Penis doodles along the edges of your Great Expectations book.
Margin Call
The phone call your parent receives after the teacher spots your Gross Margin.
CD
When your parents force you to listen to Air Supply’s Greatest Hits in the car.
Liquid Assets
Liquor cabinet in Drew’s house.
Clearing House
Taking off from Drew’s party when his parents unexpectedly return.
Liability
Ability to deceive parents. Like, “It was just a sleepover.”
Joint Account
Friends backing up your alibi. Only works if they have Liability.
Withholding
When your parents take away your phone as punishment.
Bonds
Handcuffs you found in your parents’ bedroom drawer when looking for your phone.
GAAP
A clothing store my parents still think is cool.
Bookie
A brownie in the shape of a cookie. Bussin’ tasty.
Compound Interest
When you and your friend like the same person.
Horizontal Integration
Sex.
Vertical Integration
Same thing, against a wall.
Maturity Date
Date with a college girl.
Net Exposure
Flexin’ b-ball trick shots on TikTok to get more followers.
Junk Bond
A lifelong addiction to sugar because your parents forbid it.
Buyout
When you buy all the Skittles at CVS.
Breakout
Four or more zits in a constellation, or one North Star.
COD
Call of Duty.
Asset Swap
When your parents give you 20 bucks for school supplies and you spend it on 12 liters of Mountain Dew hidden under your bed.
Layaway
Sleeping till noon.
Game Theory
Detailed theoretical analysis on the lore of Minecraft’s ancient civilization of Endermen, uncovered through hours of research during study hall.
Futures
All the possible paths you could take in the multiverse other than going to college. For example, Professional Gamer on YouTube.
Absorbed Cost
Costs I don’t see because my parents will pay for everything.
- About the Author
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Lynn Hsu is a cartoonist and writer living in Boston. She is a contributor to The New Yorker, Air Mail, Slackjaw, American Bystander, and other humor publications.
