New “He’s Back” Fundraising Menu

$10,000 entering a vehicle he’s paraded in. $15,000 having Kayleigh breathe on you $20,000 enjoying a make out session with Hope (normal rates slashed in half!) 

CARTOON: Results Are In

Results are in. Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield and Scott Dooley.

COVID-19's Kitschy Bumper Sticker Phase

Honk if you have Antibodies! And more!

I Will Absolutely Be Sending My Kids Back To Swim At Amity Island Even Though Jaws Is Still In The Water

This shark impacts different people in different ways. It violently pulls some people underwater, only to have their partial remains wash ashore the next day while others it merely maims and leaves permanently disfigured. 

Back To Home School Supply List

Mouse Pad (if unavailable, back issue of Entertainment Weekly from the bathroom will do). Beer Koozie (for the days when Dad is helping out). Pencil Box, with extra compartment used to hold Mommy's Xanax. And more!

Actual Phases of Being Stuck Inside of a Global Pandemic

'The I-watch-HGTV-and-can-therefore-build-an-addition-to-my-house phase.' 'The I-just-realized-I-don’t-even-own-a-hammer phase.' And more!

CARTOON: Dreamboat

Looking for the full plagukage. Today's cartoon by Madeline Horwath.

CARTOON: Tan Lines

Watch the straps! Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

CARTOON: Full Endorsement

Numbers are climbing fast, don't miss out! Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Examining The Medical Prowess Of Donald Trump: Other Examples Of His Insightful Brilliance

“Using a tanning bed on it’s highest setting for several hours every day is great for you. If it weren’t, why would it make you , or me, look so healthy and photogenic?”

If Classic TV Shows Took Place in 2020

SEINFELD: Jerry’s date becomes infuriated when he won’t let her get within six feet of him. George starts a protest movement to get a haircut. Elaine argues with a security guard after not maintaining proper social distance in line to buy toilet paper. Kramer sets out to prove the coronavirus is man-made by eating only genetically-modified foods.

CARTOON: Dizzy Disney

Spreading more then cheer. Today's cartoon by Lila Ash.

Other Ways That Trump Will Probably Try To Distract Us From The Pandemic 

Play a few rounds of golf in the Arlington National Cemetery.  And more!


Want that TP beary much. Today's cartoon by John Anglin.

Plagueboy Magazine

This Month’s PlagueMate Will Have You Rising Quicker Than Current Virus Cases!

CARTOON: Holy Hobby

And don't ask where the remote is. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

CARTOON: Feeling Week

Just got to make it through another week. Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.

CARTOON: Release

Good to finally get out. Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield and Ed Steckley.


Always read the fine print! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Coronavirus Sympathy Cards From Your Brainwashed Facebook Friends

Sorry to hear of your brother's passing. Why didn't he ask for hydroxychloroquine?

Prom Theme Ideas for Your DIY Quarantine Home Prom 

“Grey Gardens” The excess of the roaring twenties comes to life.  Grab your mom, several feral kittens, and some cans of corn and prepare to dance the night away. Playlist suggestions: “Solitaire” by Laura Branigan; “Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince; “Crazy for You” by Madonna; “Old Money” by Lana del Ray.

COVID-19 Business E-mail Alerts You May Have Missed...

And as this pandemic has proven, there are a lot of dangerous, mentally unbalanced people posting less than truthful information on Twitter. From Russian bots and opportunistic hate groups to the president and his family, there are many unsavory predators lurking on Twitter.

Amelia Bedelia Single-Handedly Creates Coronavirus Hot Spot by Hilariously Misunderstanding Safety Instructions

“Amelia!!” she cried. “What have you done?! Why is the window broken???” “Because of the pandemic!” said Amelia. “I had to get those things out of here as quickly as possible!” “Amelia!” cried Mrs. Rogers. “The pandemic doesn’t have anything to do with pans!”  “Oh, rats,” said Amelia. “Well at least now we’ll get some fresh air!” “The air is full of germs, Amelia!!

Gen-X Songs Adjusted For Middle Age In Times Of Covid

It’s the end of the word as we know it, and I need wine (It’s the end of the word as we know it, REM)

New Pandemic Businesses

Plandemic Parenthood- Is the quarantine making you feel like you wish that you'd thought twice before having kids? Give us a call and we'll take those rascals off of your hands!

Warmups For The Improv Class You Enrolled In During A Pandemic

Zip-Zap-Zoom: It’s like Zip-Zap-Zop, but nobody knows who you just passed the energy to because you’re on a Zoom call. 

CARTOON: Our American Leader Ship

We are all stuck on this cruise ship. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Bring Back the Real Heroes of the Pandemic, Our Dentists- A New Susan Collins Ad for Senate 2020

Let’s get our dentists back to work, so they can put their faces inches away from ours and their fingers inside our mouths to remove tartar, take X-rays, apply veneers, and provide Fluoride treatments. These brave souls don’t just fill our dental cavities, they fill the cavities of our lives.

A Few Thoughts on All These Couples Self-Isolating Together and How I, a Reality TV Executive, Can’t Get a Camera Crew Across State Lines to Film Them

Think of the hundreds of hours of tearful confessional booth footage that will never be captured, never even make it to the editing room. I’m telling you, this will be our national treasure left buried. Our ark of the covenant. Our holy grail.

CARTOON: Summer Blockbuster

Impossible, nobody would believe it. Cartoon by Joe Wos.

Revised Rides at Reopening Disney Shanghai

If You Thought It Was A Small World Before, Just Wait A Few More Weeks, The Tower of Terrible Tik Toks, Don't Splash Anything On Me Mountain, and more.


Your first kiss!! Which type of face-masks are best? ... Page 34/ Win a Zoom chat video lunch date with Nick Jonas!! .... Page 38/ No need to social distance yourself from these hot shirtless hunk wall posters !!


You sure? You should see the buffet! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

We, Arby's, Regret to Inform You We No Longer 'Have the Meats'

We do not anticipate needing to resort to desperate measures, such as having veggies.

Classic Novels Rewritten for the Coronavirus Pandemic 

The Great Gatsby Regrets Having That Party Because Now He Has to Disinfect His Whole Damn House

CARTOON: Warp Drive

He went to Jared. Again. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.


We’re asked to shelter in place,/ And “No more touching your face!”,/ But some just refuse,/ Shouting “Fake news!”,/ And embarrassing the human race.

One-Minute Coronavirus Mysteries

Yesterday morning, you baked a loaf of chocolate chip banana bread.  This morning, there was no chocolate chip banana bread left.  Why? (A: You ate the entire loaf last night in six minutes while ugly-crying about the future of humanity.)

CARTOON: Pence Sense

Solid Pence Sense. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Romantic E-Cards for the Pandemic

Let those quaran-crushes know how you feel!

CARTOON: Pod Popper

Also comes as a miracle elixir! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

CARTOON: Unhinged Definition

In case you needed a lesson. Clorox Coffee anyone? Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: My Current Projections

Liquidity is looking wet. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: The Hoax With The Most

You should have seen the cheery tree. It was so mean to me. Today's cartoon by Lance Hansen.

Today’s Hot Celebrity Gossip!

Tom Brady just started reading "Where the Crawdads Sing." Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani just ran out of hazelnut coffee creamer. And more!

Pandemic Advice From The Mars Rovers

Keep at least 141 million miles distance between you and Earth. Binge watch Season 2 of 01010111. Don’t touch your antenna. And more!

Truly Terrible Tips & Tricks To Keep From Touching Your Own Face

Attempt to beat the world record for juggling. And more.

Jared Kushner’s Morning Pages

Today I will do the coronavirus response briefing and it will be amazing! This time I will remember to swallow. Last night I did arm practice with Ivanka for two hours. I think I’m finally getting how to hold them! 

CARTOON: Dr. Fauci's Cure-All

Maybe a few more over the mouth to be safe. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Who Said It: An Actual Doctor, Star Trek’s Dr. McCoy, or Donald Trump?


CARTOON: Fashion Watch

Going somewhere? Can you imagine? Today's cartoon by Brandon Hicks.

Elon Musk Brainstorms More Ways to Help During the Pandemic

It’s an outrage that healthcare providers don’t have access to critical medical supplies, like masks with Bluetooth capability. Docs are treating sick people every day, but what about sick beats? See if we can spin up a model that can RickRoll patients when things get too heavy.

COVID-19 Pickup Lines

Do you come here to panic buy often?

I am Andrew Cuomo's PowerPoint Presentation and I Will Save This Country

I will not and shall not be tainted by Comic Sans. It’s Arial. All-day, every day. If I am feeling saucy, then perhaps Helvetica. SOMETIMES ALL CAPS. If I am really trying to get a point across, those words will be colored. What color? •Butterscotch.

Revised Days of the Week

The new quarantined calendar includes, Sonday: Technically Monday, but everyone is still hungover from Saturday night - Sunday morning. Also, still wearing sweatpants from Sunday. No, I mean last Sunday, a week ago.

CARTOON: The New Economy

Spare a square? Today's cartoon by Jefferson Deng.

Truly Terrible TV Shows To Stream in Quarantine

The Marvelous Mrs. Measles, West Nile World, Black Plague Mirror, and more.

Have You Heard The One About President Trump?

With a gleam in his eye, the doctor jibes: “That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual, because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left!”

CARTOON: Ruff Advice

Sit, stay, wash your hands. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Quiz: Have You Fallen Through a Magical Time Portal to Where You’re 17 Again, or Are You Just Self-Isolating Due to a Global Pandemic?

Everything feels totally out of your control so you’ve started making lanyard ankle bracelets. No one understands you except your cat/dog/succulent. You’ve started journaling. And more.

CARTOON: Binge Watching in a Pandemic

They just walked outside? Ridiculous. Today's cartoon by Jefferson Deng.


Kitchen table feeling smaller and smaller? Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

CARTOON: Capitilizing on Coronavirus

Purell Park: Guaranteed to kill 99% of the fun! And more business ideas in today's cartoon by Brandon Hicks.

Buy My Book, It Will Protect You from the Coronavirus, Says Author Whose Public Appearances Have All Been Canceled

How can my book protect you, then? Well, for one thing, it’s such a compelling read you won’t want to leave your house, and if you don’t leave your house, you can’t catch anything.

I’m Sorry I Yelled at You About Your Guns, Uncle Jack

I’m also sorry I mocked you for your food hoards – I’m sorry, I’m sorry, supply stores. I bet *you’re* not out of toilet paper, right? Ha, ha. I know I made fun of the fact that you’d cached so many Slim Jims, but a lot of what you had down there was of solid nutritional value. 

CARTOON: Sanitized

And repeat, and repeat, and repeat...Today's cartoon by Andy Cowan and Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: Coughference Call

"First, let me thank you all for continuing to work so diligently from home during these very uncertain times and -- oof-- whoever that was, I don't like the sound of that cough."

CARTOON: Don't Stand So Close To Me

Don't corn my beef. Today's cartoon by Pat Byrnes.

CARTOON: Luckless

Also all pots of gold will now be filled with toilet paper. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Truly Terrible Tips For Staying Home To Avoid The Coronavirus

That huge stash of toilet paper you unwisely purchased at Costco?    Flaming rolls of toilet tissue make great projectiles to discourage neighbors, family and other potential germ-farms from getting too close to your house.

CARTOON: Precautions

Has a point. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Truly Terrible Ways To Prevent The Spread Of Coronavirus

Wipe down all surfaces with Sierra Mist. And more.

If You Had COVID-19 and the Presidential Candidates Were Your Doctors

Trump: Probably just a cold. You should go back to work.  *Resident behind him* He doesn't even work here.

CARTOON: New Coronavirus Mascot

Oh, you're traveling? Wow, your trip must be pretty important...Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.