Hi! We’re so glad to have you on board – we know your time is precious, and we’re grateful that you’re showing up for what really matters: making every last one of these assholes sorry for what they’ve done. Here’s a sample script and a handle of Beam to get you started.
Hi, my name is ________ calling from the Elizabeth Warren campaign. Yes, I’m quite aware that she’s dropped out. Is this a good time to discuss what might have happened?
You’ve indicated in the past that you’d be happy to vote for a woman, you just “weren’t that into” Hillary Clinton. And yet you’ve voiced concerns that Elizabeth Warren just isn’t “electable.” What does “electable” mean to you?
Is a man unable to summon up any feelings beyond “tepid familiarity” more electable? Is it because he was the undercard guy for the last decent President and you’re hoping he is also somehow a wizard with a time machine? Speaking of time machines, are you aware of all the readily available history there is on this “electable” fellow?
Is a man who has some truly laudable ideas and pretty much zero skill for coalition building more electable? Will the zeal of some of his followers somehow convince your middle-of-the road Democrats that Medicare for All is possible if only we shout it enough times?
Is a man – oh wait, I’m sorry, I see now – the word “man” is in all these questions, so of course the answer is yes. Please hold, I’ve overturned my whiskey.
Elizabeth Warren is a magnificent greyhound of a woman who had a thorough, workable slate of plans to right this sinking shitpile of a ship, and now she’s out because God forbid we have a leader that’s too “school-marmish,” and hey, maybe the whole snake-emoji crowd will throw their support behind everybody’s barely-tolerated hapless Uncle Joe, but honestly, fat chance, and we’re almost certainly looking at four more years of that narcissistic circus peanut wiping his dick on the flag, so I guess my last question for you is this – ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
Emily Flake is a cartoonist, writer, illustrator, and performer. She is a regular contributor to the New Yorker and the Nib, among many other publications. She is the author of a book of essays and cartoons about parenting called “Mama Tried” (Grand Central, 2015). She does a weird hybrid of standup and cartoons on stages throughout NYC and beyond, and is the creator and cohost of a monthly live interview show called NIGHTMARES. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband, daughter, and a frail, elderly cat.