Chip Happens: Unexpected Neuralink Side Effects

Elon Musk reports that his Neuralink company has achieved the successful implantation of one of its wireless brain chips in a human. The chip is intended to establish connections between human brains and computers. However, there are notable side effects to consider.

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Your emotional expressions are now limited to a curated set of emojis.

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Your brain chip constantly receives software updates including ones that suddenly give you a South African accent.

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You discover that your brain is mining Dogecoin while you sleep.

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You no longer dismiss conspiracy theories and baseless claims and instead share them with anyone who will listen, especially Joe Rogan.

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Ads for affordable quality golf balls and copper mine drilling rights interrupt your profound moments of introspection.

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You’ve changed all your streaming service passwords so your friends in the Ukraine can no longer binge on Netflix.

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You’re compelled to delete “Union of the Snake” by Duran Duran, “Union Forever” by The White Stripes, and “Union Sundown” by Bob Dylan from all your playlists.

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You physically attack the ref at your child’s little league game because you’ve developed a sudden dislike for “whistleblowers”.

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You feel a sudden urge to pay for that blue checkmark on X/Twitter.