Chip Happens: Unexpected Neuralink Side Effects

Elon Musk reports that his Neuralink company has achieved the successful implantation of one of its wireless brain chips in a human. The chip is intended to establish connections between human brains and computers. However, there are notable side effects to consider.

Your emotional expressions are now limited to a curated set of emojis.

Your brain chip constantly receives software updates including ones that suddenly give you a South African accent.

You discover that your brain is mining Dogecoin while you sleep.

You no longer dismiss conspiracy theories and baseless claims and instead share them with anyone who will listen, especially Joe Rogan.

Ads for affordable quality golf balls and copper mine drilling rights interrupt your profound moments of introspection.

You’ve changed all your streaming service passwords so your friends in the Ukraine can no longer binge on Netflix.

You’re compelled to delete “Union of the Snake” by Duran Duran, “Union Forever” by The White Stripes, and “Union Sundown” by Bob Dylan from all your playlists.

You physically attack the ref at your child’s little league game because you’ve developed a sudden dislike for “whistleblowers”.

You feel a sudden urge to pay for that blue checkmark on X/Twitter.