I’m a Horse, and I Never Asked to Be Anyone’s Therapist

Hey there, I’m a horse. You know, the kind of animal who enjoys munching on grass all day with no care in the world except, “is it raining right now?” I have a bone to pick with humans. They are relying on me for therapy even though I never asked for this.


Look, I don’t mean to come off as such a whinier. It’s nice to be able to help people feel better, and I’m very good at it. But what about my feelings? Sure I have a pleasant temperament and don’t outwardly judge, but all I really want to do is hang with my good horse friend Sharon and stare at the pasture.


I’m not gonna lie, I’m a dang joy to be around. I’m gorgeous to look at, and I have a very calming nature. People can even brush my mane, which is a bit patronizing, but go nuts. I’m also a fantastic listener. However, I certainly did not get a master’s degree in counseling or psychology, k? I really just know eating hay, lifting my tail to poop, and nodding at things. I am not qualified for this malarkey.


It’s irritating enough when people want to ride me and control my every move. Most of them are so bossy! Also I’m literally carrying the weight of the rider on my back. I’m not body shaming I swear, I just need humans to know that can be very spooky.


Riding me is one thing, but when people want to disclose their most depraved thoughts I’m like, “Whoa whoa whoa! Maybe we should get to know each other a bit first!”


And they give me one measly carrot for managing all this emotional labor. I’m not a foal, I know people therapists get paid at least ten carrots a day.


All I’m saying is humans are putting a lot of pressure on us horses. You don’t see snakes doing what I do.


The other day I helped a guy through his relationship issues. I don’t know anything about divorce and I don’t care to. Human relationships seem very messy. I don’t want to ask how someone’s day at work went, I want to roll in some mud. Life is short, let’s kick up our heels and burrow in that wet dirt!


By the way, I’m a total empath. I feel everything people around me are feeling, so thanks for bringing that into my life. I was having a good day until this random lady told me about her sociophobia. Well guess what, now I have a deep fear of people too!


The next time people want to bring their kind to my stable for some soothing therapy, they should think about how I’d rather be running around feeling the wind in my mane than withstanding the emotional toll of providing untrained therapy. I really just want my buddy Sharon, a meadow, and at least two carrots.


Oh my 3:30 is here. I gotta trot.


Actually while I’m airing out my grievances, please stop making us horse dance. We look like fucking morons.