Classic Dog Films, Starring Cats

LASSIE

EXT. RUSTIC FIELD – DAY.

LITTLE TIMMY plays jacks by an old well, watched by his cat LASSIE.

TIMMY

Come on, Lassie, let’s play! You

never want to play with me!

Lassie regards the child with obvious contempt and hisses. In a desperate attempt to get his beloved pet’s attention, Timmy climbs up onto the edge of the well.

TIMMY

Look, Lassie! Oh no! I’m going to

fall in! Come save me, girl!

Lassie leaps at Timmy and pushes him headfirst into the well, just because she can. As Timmy falls:

TIMMY

Lassieeee! Whyyyyyy?!

Lassie begins licking herself furiously. Timmy drowns. His body is never found.

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101 DALMATIONS

INT. RADCLIFFE HOME – EVENING. 

ROGER and ANITA RADCLIFFE are mourning the loss of their beloved cats at Christmas. All of a sudden, dozens of felines storm through the doors in a rush of chimney soot and fur. Christmas is saved!

ROGER

Look, Anita! Kittens everywhere! 

ANITA

There must be a hundred of them!

ROGER

A hundred and one!

ANITA

What’ll we do with them?

ROGER

We’ll keep ‘em!

Roger composes a song about opening up a cat farm in the country. Anita begins decorating the entire house in cat memorabilia and knitting sweaters out of cat hair. They name their first child “Persian” and buy mugs that say “Mr. & Mrs. Cat Lady” on them. Nanny eventually dies from severe cat allergies. 

One day, the SPCA shows up at their door and the Radcliffes are arrested for pet hoarding and cruelty to animals. The cats are sent to the pound.

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AIR BUD

INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM – EVENING.

It’s the Big Championship Game. Our hero JOSH’s team is losing, and all hope seems lost. Suddenly BUDDY THE CAT runs into the gym! The crowd cheers. They know Buddy will join the game and save the day. The opposing coaches complain, but:

REFEREE

Ain’t no rules says a cat can’t

play basketball!

The game resumes. Josh passes Buddy the basketball as the clock winds down.

JOSH

Make the winning shot, Buddy!

Buddy sinks his claws into the ball and begins tearing it to shreds. The audience gasps in horror. 

JOSH

Buddy, no! Not again!

Buddy eats a chunk of basketball, lies down in the middle of the court and takes a nap. The team is banned for destruction of public property and Josh slowly descends into a life of drugs and crime.

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HOMEWARD BOUND

EXT. FARMHOUSE – MORNING.

The SEAVER FAMILY’s three cats, CHANCE, SHADOW and SASSY, are abandoned at a ranch by mistake. Faced with making an inspiring, cross-country journey back to their loving owners, the three cats immediately give up and decide to become the property of whoever will feed them first. The Seaver family never see their pets again.

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LADY AND THE TRAMP

EXT. ROMANTIC ALLEYWAY – EVENING.

Two adorable cats, LADY and THE TRAMP, are seated at candlelit table outside a quaint Italian restaurant. A plate of spaghetti and meatballs rests between them. TONY, the owner, serenades the two on an accordion.

TONY

Oh thiiiis is the night, it’s a beautiful night, and they call it bella notte-

The music cuts as the cats begin savagely fighting over their shared noodle. Tramp claws at Lady’s ear. Lady bites Tramp on the nose. Tramp pees on the meatballs to mark his territory. There is blood everywhere.

TONY

No no no, cats, you are in LOVE! Oh

thiiiis is the niiiiight-

Tramp suddenly spots a female cat in heat and flees into the darkness. Lady scarfs down the rest of the spaghetti and immediately barfs it up because she can’t eat pork.

TONY

Cats! Why-a you ruin this night for me?!

Lady begins eating her own vomit. Tony’s restaurant goes under for health code violations.

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