Coffee is for Voters

Let me have your attention for a moment! So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about… bitching about Russian bots on Facebook, some jobless uncle you have who wears a MAGA hat, Senator Suzanne Collins?

Let’s talk about something important.

Put that coffee down! Coffee’s for voters only. Do you think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here from the Founders. I’m here from the Magna fucking Carta. I’m here on a mission of mercy.

You call yourself a citizen, you son of a bitch?

Well, the good news is — you’re screwed. The better news is you’ve got, all you got, just one chance to regain your dignity and freedom, on the first Tuesday of November.

Oh, have I got your attention now? Good.

We’re adding a little something to this midterm election. As you all know, first prize is control of the Senate. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize is control of the House. Third prize is Trump owns your ass for two to six more years and it’s all Mike Pence after that. You get the picture? You’re laughing now?

You got the candidates. They’ve paid good money. Barack Obama endorsed like 300 people. Get their names and vote for them! You can’t vote for the names you’re given, you can’t win shit, you ARE shit. Hit the bricks, pal. Beat it, ’cause you are going out!

“’The candidates are weak.’ Fucking candidates are weak? You’re weak. I’ve been voting since 1992, that’s my name! I’m phone banking for Ocasio-Cortez, that’s my name! Your name is “Apathetic.” And you can’t play in a citizen’s game. You can’t vote them in. Don’t like it? Go on Twitter and tell your 50 fake followers your troubles.

The only one thing that counts in this life is to get your vote onto the ballot that is counted.

A-B-V. A-always, B-be,V-voting. Always be voting! Always be voting!

A-I-D-A. Activism, Information, Democrats, Assign your vote.

Activism: Do you think you’re doing something? Voting is activism.

Information: Do you know where your polling place is?

Democrats: Do I have to spell it out for you?

Assign your vote: Because it’s Rock the Vote or walk. You vote or you hit the bricks!

Get out there. You got candidates running. You think they signed up because they like eating in diners on camera? Person doesn’t run unless they want your vote. They’d also love your money! Are you gonna give it? You citizen enough?

Last year I wrote a check to ActBlue worth more than your car. That’s who I am. And you’re nothing. Good blogger? I don’t give a shit. Go home and play with your Kos.

You think this is abuse? You can’t take this — how can you take another term and a half of Trump? I can go out there in November with the candidates you got, make myself a new Senate Judiciary Committee. Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! Get mad! Get mad!! You know what it takes to vote?

You just have to be registered.

The election’s out there, you pick it up, it’s yours. You don’t, then I have no sympathy for you. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. “Oh yeah, you just can’t count on a West Virginia Democrat.”

These are the candidates and to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get out and elect them. Why? Giving them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for voters.

I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. I came here because the Founders asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor? Follow my advice and let them wallow in fascism because a non-voter is a non-voter.