Columbo Gets a Tennis Lesson

Columbo: Hi there! Excuse me, sir? I’m wondering if you can help me?

Tennis Instructor: Yes. If you’re looking for the conference hall, it’s just beyond these courts.

Columbo: Conference hall? Oh no, I’m sorry. It’s nothing like that. You see, I’m a guest here at the resort. My wife thought it’d be a good idea if I signed up for tennis lessons.

Tennis Instructor (eyes Columbo up and down, checks his list): You must be a Mr.… Columbo?

Columbo: The same.

Tennis Instructor: Well, we can’t begin unless you change into more… fitting attire. First, you’ll need to remove that trench coat—and exchange those slacks for shorts.

Columbo: Oh, these? Ah, geeze. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. You know, I get so used to wearing the same thing, even when I’m on vacation! My wife is always saying, “Unwind a little. Wear something breathable.” She has a point. I just can’t take the hint.

Tennis Instructor: I see. Well, why don’t you run on up to the clubhouse. There are extra clean pairs of tennis shorts and shirts you can put on.

Columbo (returns wearing tennis outfit): Boy, you know, I feel better already. I don’t think my skin’s seen this much sun since my parents took me to Coney Island as a toddler.

Tennis Instructor: I’m sorry to hear that. We are a bit behind schedule, Mr. Columbo, so if you don’t mind grabbing your racket?

Columbo: Certainly.

Tennis Instructor: We will start out with the forehand. Now to hit a solid forehand, the object is to hit the ball at an angle to give it topspin, making it more difficult for your opponent to return.

Columbo: Huh. Topspin, wouldya know. I never knew you guys hit it that way. This won’t give me carpal tunnel will it? You see, I’ve already got wrist issue as it is.

Tennis Instructor: I don’t think we’ll know until you try it. Now I will bounce the ball a few times, and I want you to hit it with the same spin I do. (Instructor demonstrates)

Columbo (after hitting a few forehands): Wow. That’s really something. You know, you’re very good at this. I thought all I’d do is hit it into the net. When I watch tennis on TV, I’m always worried they’ll either hit it in the net or run into the net. I think I focus more on the net than I do the ball!

Tennis Instructor: Well we don’t want to do that. Let’s try a few serves. Now put a few balls in your pocket and let’s walk back to the baseline. No, that’s the sideline. I mean baseline, at the top of the court.

Columbo: Oh, this way? Sorry, I get a little disoriented in this sunlight. My wife says it’s good for me. She says it’s a lack of Vitamin D that makes me so muddled all the time. I can’t say I disagree with her.

Tennis Instructor: Now, I want you take a ball out of your pocket. What’s that?

Columbo: Oh, gosh. Wouldya look at that? These are just my cigars. I must’ve accidentally shoved a couple in my pocket in the locker room. I’m sorry. Is it alright if I smoke one while we play? Are there rules against it?

Tennis Instructor: Yes, there are.

Columbo: No harm in asking, right? (Tosses cigars in his gym bag)

Tennis Instructor: Now, when we serve, it is essential we come over the top with our racket, moving our wrist at a downward angle. We must also release the ball with our offhand at eye level.

Columbo: Excuse me, sir. But do I have to serve it from this side? My left eye don’t see too good. I’m afraid I’m flying blind here. Can’t I just serve from the other side?

Tennis Instructor: Mr. Columbo, they don’t let you serve from one side. In a match, you must switch sides every other serve.

Columbo: Darn. Well, as long as I get it over the net, right? Haha…

Tennis Instructor: You will need to get it within the first box on the opposite side in order for it to be in bounds.

Columbo (shielding sunrays, peers over): That little enclosure behind the net? I have to hit the ball within that space?!

Tennis Instructor nods.

Columbo: Oh boy. Well, I always did like a challenge. It’s too bad I got a stiff neck. I’ll have to really twist my head to get a decent aim. What happens if I get it in? Do they call that a point?

Tennis Instructor: If your opponent misses an in-bound serve, they call that an ace.

Columbo: Ace, huh? You know, I knew someone in high school named Ace? Nice guy, but he got caught selling dope outside the girls’ bathroom and I lost track of him since.

Tennis Instructor: I’m sorry.

Columbo (shrugs): Don’t be. Boy, I’m having a great time out here. I think this is the longest I’ve ever worn shorts. Not counting boxers, of course!

Tennis Instructor: That’s nice, Mr. Columbo. Now, when you score a point on your serve, you can announce the score to your opponent as “15-love.” The “love” means zero. This means that you have 15 and your opponent has zero points.

Columbo: You know, I gotta thank you for clarifying. I’ve always been confused about how the whole scoring thing works. So does this mean, if I get no points when I’m not serving, my opponent has to call me “love” before they serve?

Tennis Instructor: They wouldn’t be calling you “love,” they’d merely be stating the score.

Columbo: Well I like that. I can tell you right now, that’d be the most times I’ve heard the word “love” than in my entire marriage. I ain’t joking.

Tennis Instructor: I’m sorry to hear.

Columbo: Oh, that’s alright. My wife and I have an interesting way of communicating. We certainly do love each other. It’s just in a sort of “off the court” kinda way.

Tennis Instructor: I see. Well, Mr. Columbo. I’m afraid we’re out of time. Tomorrow we can work on volleys and backhands.

Columbo: Oh, boy. I’m excited already, sir. Thank you. Thank you very much for giving me my first tennis lesson. I apologize for my gift of gab. Well, some wouldn’t call it a gift. Can I leave you with a cigar?

Tennis Instructor: That’s awfully kind, but I don’t smoke.