Conditions Under Which I Am Willing to Babysit

Thank you for your interest in my babysitting while you travel for the next seven days. If this is going to work, we must set ourselves up for success by laying out conditions that I find acceptable.

I can babysit a maximum of one child.

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The child must be older than a toddler. The problem with toddlers is that they are prone to accidents, tantrums, and so forth.

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The child must be younger than a middle schooler. Let’s say no older than a third grader, just to be safe. The problem with children above this age is that they start to develop opinions, attitudes, and the cleverness to say hurtful things.

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I will babysit in your home if it’s a mansion in an upscale neighborhood with fun things to do. How big is big enough to be a mansion? If you have to ask, it’s not a mansion. If you don’t own a mansion, I will accept a rented mansion as my workplace as long as it fulfills my other requirements.

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Your home must have a dog for me to play with. The dog must be fully trained and respond to whatever name I give her. I can change the name up to three times per day. A staff member hired and compensated by you is to be responsible for this dog’s feeding and care; my entire relationship with the dog consists of play.

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I must have my own babysitter to protect me, and in case your kid needs anything.

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Your home must have the following amenities: WiFi, streaming services, Microsoft XBOX, Sega Master System, ColecoVision, board games, Crosley record player, Audio Technica record player, kitchen, gym, four friends (smart but not showoffy about it, good listeners, willing to babysit).

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 You must provide a full schedule of activities to keep your child busy (supervised by others).

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You must provide a full schedule of activities to keep me busy, too. Activities for your kid only? No fair!

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You are to provide me with a grocery stipend, an Uber stipend or a private driver, and a personal chef who’s on call 24 hours per day throughout my babysitting assignment.

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By the way, size alone does not make a mansion. I will not babysit in a big, crappy house.

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You must arrange for private plane transportation to pick up my lunches: sushi from Japan, pizza from Italy, fried chicken from Kentucky.

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Whatever happens this week, I get the movie rights.

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You are obligated to provide me with a fruit basket (organic fruit only,please. (The “please” there was a bit much; sorry. (I have nothing to apologize for, and you should be ashamed for not speaking up to tell me so.)))

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You shall provide the following benefits: Health insurance and on-site concierge doctor, 401(k) with 200,000-percent employer match, house-party insurance, and six days’ paid vacation.

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Ideally, you’d bring your child with you on your trip.