Modern Day School Absence Excuses

“My anxiety service iguana ate my homework.”

“I couldn’t get past the group of protesters in front of the school.”

“My homeroom teacher is still angry that I didn’t call her the day after our night together.”

“My bullet proof vest was still in the wash.”

“Militia meeting ran late.”

“Parents arrested for storming government building.”

“I was pushed out of a window by Vladimir Putin.”

“Parents wouldn’t allow me to leave the house while the Four Horsemen were hovering in the sky over America.”

“Tear gas residue in classroom still causing problems with allergies.”

“Sent home early as punishment for requesting a book from the school library.”

“Poisonous paint fumes from golden Trump shoes put me and my family in the hospital for several weeks.”