Dear Family, I’m Marrying The Green Lady M&M

Dear Family,

Joyous news! I’m getting married. After 37 years on this big blue orb, I have finally found everlasting happiness with a small green orb. I am marrying the Green M&M.

That’s right Uncle Bill, the girl one.

When I sent out 178 invitations to this blessed event last month, I was shocked when instead of RSVPs, I received several calls inquiring about my mental state. Yes, I was recently scammed by a Ukrainian woman named Kira who turned out to be a sophisticated bot that drained my bank account and voted for me in several states. My relationship with Ms. Green has nothing to do with that! I assure you, my mind is as intact as my fiance’s hard sugary shell.

Grandma Florence, in your most recent phone call you spewed hate, calling my wedding an unnatural abomination between man and candy and saying we’d melt in Hell. This was truly shocking as you happily attended Cousin Glinda’s wedding to a woman. Is Ms. Green not worthy of that same respect? She is an internationally respected spokescandy. I’d think you would be thrilled to have such an accomplished dessert in the family.

I know what you’re all thinking and it’s a logical question. Isn’t the Green M&M married to the Red one? Au contraire! Ms. Green and Red are coworkers and nothing more. There was a glance on a balcony in Phuket that almost led to something, but Ms.Green is a consummate professional. Besides, Red and Yellow are currently at Blue’s summer home in Westport taking time to “explore their connection.”

Mom, you worry that this union will not produce grandchildren. It’s a valid concern. Ms. Green’s scrumptious body is her livelihood. Doctors say carrying a child might crack her shell permanently and violate the terms of her contract with the Mars Corporation. We have chosen to adopt. We will love this child whether it is human or sentient candy.

And here’s the question on everyone’s mind. How did I meet my saccharine sweetheart? As I live-streamed to you all, I flew to Kiev to meet “Kira” and propose marriage. And as you helplessly witnessed on that live stream, I was briefly kidnapped by some Ukrainian militiamen then released when they realized I only had a passport and my TJ Maxx credit card.

As I flew back toward Trenton, with nothing but a broken heart and three broken ribs, my connecting flight in Paris was delayed. Because of this, I was bumped up to first-class on my flight home and who was my seatmate? None other than the legendary Ms. Green, in the shell. All thoughts of “Kira” fled from my mind as I breathed in her chocolate aroma. I caught myself staring in her glistening surface and quickly pulled out a book.

“Slaughterhouse-Five, I love Vonnegut.” Her words poured into my ears.

“It’s my favorite,” I mumbled, so aware of the coarseness of my voice, “it helped a lot when I was in Iraq.”

“Thank you for your service. I did a few shows for the USO in Baghdad,” she said as she put a white-gloved hand on my arm, “I wanted to do my part even though it was an illegal war started under false pretenses.”

By the end of the flight, there were no secrets between us. We let our true selves blend together like cocoa and butterfat. Too soon we landed in New York.

“I need you in my life,” she said, “Don’t disappoint me.”

When we kissed, it was I who melted.

Many of you have asked to meet Ms. Green before our wedding day and I have told you it is simply not possible. She has a hectic travel schedule, one day opening a new M&M Store in Berlin the next doing a bikini photoshoot in Copacabana. I will not succumb to toxic masculinity and hold her back. After we are wed, I will be taking her name and in the M&M naming custom, abandoning my first name. Please only refer to me as Green.

If you’ve made it this far into the letter, then you probably want to know the details of our glorious day. The ceremony will take place at Sacred Heart Church in Newark (all M&Ms are strict Catholics). Afterward, shuttle buses will take guests to the reception to be held at the estate of Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald-Smythe aka Mr. Peanut. Dinner will be catered by Chef Boyardee himself and desserts provided by the Keebler Elves. (And yes, Ms.Green can eat chocolate. It is not cannibalism! We’re made of meat and eat pork. Same thing!!)

I hope this letter has allayed your concerns about my mental state. The devastation of losing Kira led me to true love with Ms. Green. We hope to see all of your smiling faces at our sweet day. Because true love melts in your heart, not in your hands.

Sincerely,

Green (formerly Richard)

P.S. The rumors are true, Green M&Ms are an aphrodisiac 😉