Emergency Press Conference: We Need to Stop Menopause Before It Destroys the Planet  

America, I like science. You know I like science. I think it is very good—the best—except when it isn’t. And when science isn’t being the best, it’s being the worst—the absolute worst—and is making all of us look low-energy. The lowest energy. But we’re not low-energy because we know what’s happening. What is happening right now isn’t global warming or even “cooling in the neighborhoods.” Or “climate change” as the crooked liberals keep calling it. We know better. We know better because we’ve heard of it before. It’s menopause. Well, I think it is. I’ve never actually seen it myself. I’ve never been with a woman old enough to have it, but I’ve heard the rumors. There are stories—and I’ve heard them. All of them.

We all know the Earth is a woman—Mother Nature. The Beatles, one of the most American bands, sang about her. We’ve all heard it. We all know it. And we all know the Earth isn’t as young as she once was. She hasn’t been taking care of herself like she should, really letting her icecaps go. Most women can get plastic surgery to take care of stuff like that, like the strange pits opening up on their faces, but Earth has a bigger problem. Earth is going through menopause.

We see it all the time—the hot flashes in California. The water works in Puerto Rico. She’s hysterical. We’re all suffering because of it. Menopause is the biggest punishment a woman can inflict on Man.

Growing up, I thought menopause was a myth. Seems fake. A fake reason for women to get out of doing things. I don’t have to tell you what kinds of things—you know what kinds of things. Sex things. And non-sex things that could become sex things. Like laundry. Or vacuuming.

If movies hadn’t told me it was real, I’d still think it was fake. It could still be fake. Filmmakers and Hollywood have their own desires. Desires we don’t know or understand. Frankly, desires we don’t want to know. I don’t want to know them. You don’t want to know them.

But Earth’s menopause has proved to me it isn’t fake—or it’s a really good fake. One of the best fakes. We need to ask ourselves this important question: why is another woman trying to punish us? What is she trying to get out of doing? It can’t be the usual things—we aren’t doing those usual things with her. We haven’t trapped her in a Trump hotel and asked her to cook Trump steaks until 3 a.m. We haven’t made her spend weekends at Mar-a-Lago with no company while I win at golf. We don’t have that kind of relationship with Earth—they say she’s our mother. But you know how I feel about older women—and women I’m related to who are older than me. I don’t think they’re real. I’ve heard about them, but I’ve never seen them. I’ve seen the Earth though, so she can’t be all that old. Or a mother.

You may be thinking, “But the vice president calls his wife ‘mother,’” and you’d be right. But I didn’t make him my vice president because of what he calls his mother-wife. I made him my vice president to get your vote so you, me, and Jesus could stop menopause together. Plus the Earth may not even be our mother. The Beatles could have been wrong. And that’s what we have to remember: If we have the biggest rallies, the best rallies, we’ll be bigger than the Beatles. And then we can overcome menopause—it’s a numbers game.

Earth is pretending to go through menopause because we keep—you know. You know what we keep doing to her. It begins with an ‘F.’ But she doesn’t want that anymore. I don’t know why she wouldn’t want that any more, but she doesn’t want it. I just don’t understand women sometimes. I’ve never had a mother-wife before and I don’t want one now. That’s why we need to make America bigger than the Beatles.