Fall Movie Preview

It’s fall, time to wave goodbye to the people shooting at you outside the theatre, and offer a hearty hello to the folks shooting at you inside the theatre. Those butterflies in your stomach mean that honest-to-goodness cinematic thrills await you around each corner, but also that the seventeen year old theatre manager forgot to properly refrigerate the popcorn butter again.

 

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It’s In The Bag
Wilford Brimley’s brother Tiberius stars in this heartwarming story of a young flute prodigy and his estranged uncle, dead for many years but currently haunting the boy’s colostomy bag. Family friendly and life-affirming for the most part, but with several seemingly out-of-place scenes of extreme eye-torture that may turn off many movie-goers.

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Hey Nazi, Yahtzee!
From the guy who taught junior college creative writing to the writer of The Notebook comes this scorching romance. Retired Nazi scientist Verger has found peace and contentment running the game room at his local nursing home. But when his secret experiments on the residents of the home attract the attention of the by-the-book yet alluring administrative associate Ms. Pemberton, could it be the beginning of something special, or just another brutal murder of a potential tattle-tale? (Spoiler, it’s actually a little bit of both)

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Bust A Cap and Gown
Kevin Hart plays the loud black guy who yells everything, frightening the nervous white people in his immediate area. A white guy who used to be on SNL is the other, white guy. At one point Kevin Hart has to dress up like a woman and feign sassiness, while at the same time the white guy from SNL is anally deflowered by a panda. If you enjoy laughing because other people around you are laughing, then this is the fall comedy smash for you!

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The Haunting of Bob Kirksy
Family man and husband Bob Kirsky receives a mysterious package in the mail: one of those amazingly realistic sex dolls. This isn’t a normal sex doll, however. This doll holds dark secrets, and the tortured spirits of those killed in her name, over and over again…a nightmare of blood and pain. Before the horrific ordeal has run it’s course, Bob’s wife and children will have been emotionally and physically tortured, then left to die in moist pools of their own insides. And by the time Bob realizes what has happened, it will be far, far too late. Because this whole time, Bob has been fucking the possessed doll. Wait, no… he hears his son screaming….he seems to be pausing mid-thrust….nope, nevermind. Still fucking the doll.

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The Miraculous Mosquito Man!
Another one of those billion-dollar superhero movies in 3D IMAX, etc. etc. blah blah who gives a shit. Harland Turnbluff was a pretty normal guy until he was bitten by a radioactive, and also zika-infected, cluster of mosquitos. Now he fights crime as Mosquito Man! No mosquito powers per se, but if he impregnates a female evil-doer, there’s a good chance that her baby will be born with a weird, tiny head. That more of a real prison sentence than jail any day, right?

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Space Blasters
Hey, remember that fun series of sci-fi movies from when you were a kid? Well, they’re back! And the actors from those earlier movies? Why, they’re back as well! And now that they’re in these new, bigger movies, the lines to see them at the comic cons will be hours longer, and the prices they’ll be charging for even glancing in your general direction will be much, much more expensive. Really outsmarted yourself there, didn’t you, assholes?

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