Getting the Most out of Your Haunted Mirror

Most folks who find themselves the sudden owner of a haunted mirror, either via the death of a previously unknown relative or as a purchase from an antique / curio shop that is mysteriously gone the next day, find themselves unable to resist acting out one of several cliched scenarios: Either attempting to smash the mirror on the floor (which means that they wake up the next day and the mirror is back in one piece again, or worse the evil spirits are able to escape the mirror and then possess your toothbrush or iPhone, which is a total nightmare), or by painting the mirror black, which just agitates the spirits further.

So let’s see if we can do better than that, shall we?

1) Most evil spirits trapped within a haunted mirror are going to start things off by spookily appearing behind your reflection in the mirror, either as a rotting zombie or a deceased family member covered in blood. Your first instinct of course is to scream or throw your drink at the mirror, but wait…. why not make a goofy face instead? Or, even better, pretend that you don’t see the disturbing apparition hovering behind you. Say something along the lines of, “I thought that this was supposed to be a haunted mirror, but I don’t see shit! What a rip off!!”

2) The reflection of a haunted mirror is more often than not an actual parallel dimension, and given half a chance an inhabitant of that dimension will attempt to possess and replace you at the first opportunity. This of course would leave you trapped in the mirror dimension, but so what? Who couldn’t use a rest from the problems and responsibilities of their normal, daily routine? Just make sure that the reflection contains a nice, comfy bed, a tv and your bong. Now you’re all set for the ultimate staycation!

3) Now, as a follow up to the above tip, if you do allow your body to become possessed by a demonic entity from a haunted mirror dimension, there’s a pretty good chance they’re going to kill a few folks while you’re cooling your heels on the other side. This is an admittedly unpleasant side effect of the haunted mirror switcheroo, but look at it this way: the demonic entity is more than likely going to only murder people in your own personal life, and you have to acknowledge that they’re all mostly irritating assholes who piss you off most of the time. Take it as an unsavory win. You’re probably not coming back to our dimension anytime soon anyway.

4) Have a group of people that you don’t particularly care for over to your house for a big party, and then invite them to snort coke from the surface of the haunted mirror! We’re not sure exactly what might happen, but it’s sure to be gross and hilarious (not to mention a potential YouTube sensation).

5) It’s not uncommon for the denizens of a haunted mirror to appear as an attractive apparition of the opposite sex, in order to seduce you down a dark and horrifying path. But since you’re apparently the sort of person who spends most of their weekends hanging out at estate sales, you probably don’t get laid often, so hey, go for it.

6) If you do get trapped in the haunted mirror dimension, which, to be honest, is what happens more often than not, don’t socialize with any of the other inhabitants of the dimension. Most of them are future contestants on The Bachelor / The Bachelorette, and extremely unpleasant company.