GOPlayer One Go!

News reports covering last weekend’s CPAC convention revealed, among other abhorrent details, that a January 6^th pinball machine was on display (I guess they didn’t have time to pull together a 9/11 Jenga set-up?).   So this got us to thinking….  what other video games must the far right enjoy?

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You’re on the move, on the go… racing against the clock to find a Planned Parenthood location that hasn’t either been closed or completely stripped of their ability to provide comprehensive reproductive healthcare for women.    Your pulse-pounding journey could take you to some dark, shadowy corners of the city… and maybe even to a different state!    On the way, you’ll need to face down not only government representatives that don’t have your best interests at heart, but also other women who want to deny your rights as well!   Seriously, what the fuck??

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Playing as Donald Trump (yeah, you wish!!), its your job (well, not your job really, since he never has won the popular vote) to chip away at democracy and attempt to implement a fascist viewpoint to the more easily duped citizens of America.    Using Trump’s admiration of dictators in general and Hitler in particular, you’ll need every rambling, incoherent, racist rant in your arsenal to keep your followers dazed and confused enough to vote for you in November.    Seemingly a complicated and intricate bit of strategic gameplay, but actually can be played by Trump, or someone who is stupid enough to vote for Trump!

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Oh no, you’ve lost the election!    But don’t worry, you can simply cobble together a group of bumbling underlings to forge fake elector votes in order to overturn the election, and take one more step to killing democracy once and for all.   And that’s just the first level, wait until you get a look at the apocalyptic wastelands you get to do battle on during the levels following democracy’s dismantling!   Are those zombies, or just meth addicted trailer park trash clad in ill fitting Trump Is God t-shirts ambling over to you?

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Here you’re playing as Eric Trump, experiencing major concerns about your brother’s seemingly rampant cocaine use.   Can you do anything to keep him from stuffing his nostrils with powder and then posting wildly hyper and nonsensical rants online?   And even if you manage to do the damage control, will it help or hinder your dad’s presidential chances?    And don’t you have your own problems to deal with anyway?

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It’s not easy to be a Conservative these days.   At every turn there seems to be someone or something determined to shake the foundation of your beliefs with facts, the truth, or science.    And now you’re being asked to side with Russia in their bloody and barbaric invasion of Ukraine!    Can you do it??    It’s going to take every ounce of your strength and ability to defiantly ignore reality.    Easily the most challenging game on this list, but don’t worry, it gets easier the more you play.

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You’re Tucker Carlson, being tested against an increasing number of diabolical foes.    Whether it’s your own conscience, sense of right vs. wrong, or the sneering contempt of actual news reporters, you’ll be tested time and time again.   Until you achieve your ultimate goal and succeed against the game to claim your most coveted prize:   the opportunity to dress up as George Washington and get on your knees to give Putin the best blow job of his life.

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You’re CPAC-Man, darting around the maze-like corridors of CPAC, gobbling up donor funds and seedy political favors while also trying to avoid Nazis who have made themselves cozy at the convention.    Keep an eye out for those guys, they’re sneaky; before you know it photos of you standing right next to a Nazi salute could be a trending story on MSNBC, which could end your game!    Ah, who’re we kidding?   No one on the conservative side will care about that kind of thing anyway.   This game has endless lives.