Handy-Dandy Tips On Staying Safe From Shark Attacks

While swimming, find a shark and wrestle it to submission.   Tear chunks of bloody flesh from the shark and rub the goopy materials all over your body. Sharks will then believe that you are also a shark, and will then leave you be.

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Before swimming, do whatever you can to contract HIV, Hepatitis-C, and so on. The sharks will be put-off by your cavalier sexual lifestyle and will steer clear.

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Go swimming in a full suit of armor.

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Stick to public pools.

(ed’s note-  actually, disregard this tip. As it turns out, most public pools are located in rather shady areas of town;  I visited a couple of them last summer, and was carjacked twice and stabbed in the forehead several times by disadvantaged youth. Also, I accidentally swallowed a used Band-Aid while swimming.   Avoid.)

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Actually, go ahead and let the sharks take a nibble or two. Maybe let them even grab a limb. You’ll get to be on tv and stuff!   You might even get to meet Kathy Lee Gifford!

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Post cruel rumors and hurtful name-calling about the sharks on Facebook and other social media.  The bullying will cause the sharks to kill themselves, freeing up the waters for you and other three-day weekenders.

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Coat your body in the salad dressing of your choice. Many sharks are carnivorous, and will not attack if they believe you to be a salad.

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Stay out of the fucking water, you dope.

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