Help! I’ve Started Crafting And I Can’t Stop

Help! I’ve crocheted covers for my toilet paper rolls but forgot to buy toilet paper.

Help! I’ve stained all my windows and now I cannot see my coffee table at dusk and keep stubbing my toes.

---

Help! I’ve painted all of the eggs in my fridge with various Easter patterns and no longer want to eat them, they’re so pretty. But you see, I cannot lay them out for decoration, because they start to smell. So, I cannot eat them, and I cannot keep them out. Thus, I have resorted to creating a large display stand out of popsicle sticks and pipe cleaners that takes up the entirety of my top refrigerator shelf. But whenever I want to admire my eggs, I end up freezing.

---

Help! I’ve collected all the branches from my yard and glued them to a canvas as large as my body. I’ve also attached tiny fairy lights to the canvas and displayed the piece in my front window.

---

Help! I’ve created a fire hazard in my front window.

---

Help! I’ve cut out the back pockets of my jeans to make a hanging wall organizer and now my butt cheeks are just hanging out like it’s 1969 or something.

---

Help! I’ve put my shower curtain through a shredder and then glued it back together—like the blog instructions said—and now there is water everywhere.

---

Help! I’ve turned my cheese-grater into an earring stand and suddenly I am obsessed with the idea of making pizza, but the recipe calls for shredded mozzarella. I do not have pre-shredded mozzarella. Instead, I have a green cheese grater that holds my earrings but reminds me of the fact that now I cannot shred cheese.

---

Help! I’ve bleach-dyed all of my t-shirts and am now looking forward to my job as a camp counselor this summer.

---

Help! I’ve embroidered Hemingway quotes on my favorite tote bag before researching him and now I know he was kind of a troubled person but it’s too late and I used a complicated double running stitch and I just can’t get myself to throw it away.

---

Help! I’ve turned my book spines into bookmarks and now I cannot read any of my favorite books. (All of the ones by Hemingway have since been donated.)

---

Help! I made a trivet out of corks and now I have forty-nine open bottles of wine in my kitchen. Every time I move, I knock into one and stain everything.

---

Help! I’ve made a mood board and it has revealed that I’m depressed. Sure, my therapist and I talked about this, but I was supposed to come to the realization on my own—not by collaging.

---

Help! I’ve made a rain chain out of spoons and it looks marvelous in my front yard, but now I cannot eat soup. And if I cannot eat soup, I cannot have a grilled cheese for lunch, because a grilled cheese is surely incomplete without a side of tomato soup. And if I cannot have a grilled cheese with tomato soup for lunch, then I will have to make a salad. And I would make a salad except for the fact that I do not have shredded cheese. Therefore, I must starve.

---