Help! I’ve Started Crafting And I Can’t Stop

Help! I’ve crocheted covers for my toilet paper rolls but forgot to buy toilet paper.

Help! I’ve stained all my windows and now I cannot see my coffee table at dusk and keep stubbing my toes.

Help! I’ve painted all of the eggs in my fridge with various Easter patterns and no longer want to eat them, they’re so pretty. But you see, I cannot lay them out for decoration, because they start to smell. So, I cannot eat them, and I cannot keep them out. Thus, I have resorted to creating a large display stand out of popsicle sticks and pipe cleaners that takes up the entirety of my top refrigerator shelf. But whenever I want to admire my eggs, I end up freezing.

Help! I’ve collected all the branches from my yard and glued them to a canvas as large as my body. I’ve also attached tiny fairy lights to the canvas and displayed the piece in my front window.

Help! I’ve created a fire hazard in my front window.

Help! I’ve cut out the back pockets of my jeans to make a hanging wall organizer and now my butt cheeks are just hanging out like it’s 1969 or something.

Help! I’ve put my shower curtain through a shredder and then glued it back together—like the blog instructions said—and now there is water everywhere.

Help! I’ve turned my cheese-grater into an earring stand and suddenly I am obsessed with the idea of making pizza, but the recipe calls for shredded mozzarella. I do not have pre-shredded mozzarella. Instead, I have a green cheese grater that holds my earrings but reminds me of the fact that now I cannot shred cheese.

Help! I’ve bleach-dyed all of my t-shirts and am now looking forward to my job as a camp counselor this summer.

Help! I’ve embroidered Hemingway quotes on my favorite tote bag before researching him and now I know he was kind of a troubled person but it’s too late and I used a complicated double running stitch and I just can’t get myself to throw it away.

Help! I’ve turned my book spines into bookmarks and now I cannot read any of my favorite books. (All of the ones by Hemingway have since been donated.)

Help! I made a trivet out of corks and now I have forty-nine open bottles of wine in my kitchen. Every time I move, I knock into one and stain everything.

Help! I’ve made a mood board and it has revealed that I’m depressed. Sure, my therapist and I talked about this, but I was supposed to come to the realization on my own—not by collaging.

Help! I’ve made a rain chain out of spoons and it looks marvelous in my front yard, but now I cannot eat soup. And if I cannot eat soup, I cannot have a grilled cheese for lunch, because a grilled cheese is surely incomplete without a side of tomato soup. And if I cannot have a grilled cheese with tomato soup for lunch, then I will have to make a salad. And I would make a salad except for the fact that I do not have shredded cheese. Therefore, I must starve.

Help! I’ve completely ruined my apartment and only have a month before the lease expires. I know Life Alert is meant for falls, but what about metaphorical tumbles?