Hi Co-worker! It’s Me, That Guy That’s Always Brushing His Teeth In The Men’s Room

Don’t mind me, fellow employee. I’m just here commandeering the sink at the office, pulling out all the things I’ll need to commence with some pro level dental hygiene.

Gum® angle toothbrush. Dental floss. Toothpaste (Tom’s of Maine, natch). Plus, I’ve even got one of those little travel sized Listerine bottles for rinsing.


So, you’re heading over to the urinal are you? Perfect. I’ll be right here. Watching you in the big mirror while I go to town on these cuspids with a perfect counterclockwise motion. Woo boy. You’ve been at it awhile, partner. You’re bladder must’ve been fuller than my contempt for plaque existing on any reachable surface of my mouth.


Is eye contact at the sink weird? I don’t see why it has to be. Sure I’ve got about two feet of dental floss slipping and sliding in between the nook and crannies that usually only dentists reach but other than it’s a completely normal situation between two co-workers: you, having just touched your junk and headed for the sink. Me, existing in the same space, sharing that sink with you.

Oh, my bad. Maybe I should move my stuff to one side? But why do that? I can just stand here, working this one tooth with a jagged edge, and stare at the side of your head as you try to trigger the automatic antibacterial soap dispenser.

Hey did you know that according to a new study that apparently we should avoid antibacterial soap? It’s true. Apparently our immune systems are bored as hell and when they don’t have anything they make up things to fight, like peanuts? When I was young I slept on a bed of peanuts. Okay, that’s made up—just like peanut allergies!


Oh, wait. You’re the guy that collapsed in the company lunch room and was clutching his throat when someone started eating a peanut butter sandwich at your table. Well, in any case, antibacterial soap is the real villain here. Perhaps if your parents had the foresight to avoid it you wouldn’t be in this pickle.

However that’s a conversation for another day, right, co-worker? Perhaps tomorrow. I’ll be right here. Same time. Same place. Maybe I should put something on your calendar? Just kidding. I know it’s hard to pick up on all the comic nuances when I’m swishing Listerine around and around my molars with all the force of the Colorado river.

But I feel like you get me and get my total commitment to hygiene. I mean that’s why I always I always in here refilling my water bottle from a tap that exists in a room where people are regularly defecating.