How to Carve a Pumpkin, as Explained by Ronnie the Pumpkin

So you want to carve a jack-o-lantern, huh?

 

Well you’ve come to the right place! As a pumpkin myself, I know all the tips and tricks for creating the spookiest squash on the block.

 

Don’t worry – pumpkins don’t have families that we love. We don’t entertain each other with jokes, mourn the passing of the those we’ve lost, make fervent love under the August sun, or grapple with the recognition of our own pumpkin mortality.

We’re just pumpkins. Silly. Little. Plump. Pumpkins.

 

Let’s get started!

 

Step 1: Choose a pumpkin.

 

The key to carving a top notch jack-o-lantern is to start with the perfect pumpkin!

 

I think I had what most would call a happy childhood.

 

I grew up on the farm, blissfully unaware of the invisible shackles in which I was bound and unencumbered by knowledge of my predetermined fate. That’s where I met Raymond. His rind gleamed with a beauty unique to the freshness of youth. For hours, we’d take turns reading from his anthology of poems; he was especially fond of Keats. Was it love? We pumpkins don’t usually confine ourselves to the simplistic definitions that seem to so constrict human understanding of the world, but sure, you could call it that.

 

I was gravely mistaken in thinking a life so beautiful could last forever.

 

One September morning, my Raymond was taken from me by Beth, a suburban mom with chunky highlights and a Kia Sorento. She planned to decorate her porch with the corpse of my dearest friend.

 

Everything you love will be ripped away from you.

 

Always pick a shiny pumpkin!

 

Step 2: Carve a lid on your pumpkin.

 

The second step to creating the perfect jack-o-lantern is to cut a circular lid that encompasses the stem of your pumpkin.

 

Why is mankind so enraptured with war?

 

You live to destroy, to stab knives into the pulpy flesh of all that you see.

The world has been entirely at peace for only 8% of human history and still, you hide behind the guise of war as a means to peace. To pumpkins, your lies are so obvious. Humans don’t care about peace, you only care about power.

 

In a just world, pumpkins would decorate their suburban porches with human corpses.

 

Your lid should be about 6 to 10 inches in diameter.

 

Step 3: Scoop out your pumpkin.

 

Next, you’ll need to open up your pumpkin and scoop out the seeds.

 

Religion is fraud.

How is it that a Christian majority nation of former immigrants is so decidedly cruel to immigrants? Even as a pumpkin, I know that’s some bullshit.

 

Make sure to scoop out all of the seeds, leaving the pumpkin completely empty inside, kind of like a human.

 

Step 4: Carve a face on your pumpkin.

 

The perfect jack-o-lantern will need a fun, goofy face.

 

American was built on institutionalized classism and racism, both of which continue to be propagated through unchecked capitalism.

 

I’ve actually written a good many pumpkin pages on these issues that I would’ve gladly contributed, had you asked.

 

Go ahead – carve a big ol’ wacky smile on your pumpkin and laugh at its toothless grin. Hope he has pumpkin dental insurance cuz this goofball needs braces!

 

Step 5: Place a candle in your pumpkin.

 

The final step is to place a candle inside of your pumpkin, light it, and restore the lid to the top of the pumpkin.

 

Humans will undoubtedly bring about the collapse of the global ecosystem.

 

You’re not exactly a well-reasoned, sustainable species. You just ruined a potential food source by cutting a face into it for the traditional purpose of ‘warding off evil spirits’.

I mean, c’mon guys, even the gourds acknowledge the human influence on global warming and those guys are fucking idiots.

 

Congratulations, you’ve carved your first jack-o-lantern! Happy Halloween!

– Ronnie the Pumpkin