originals

Some Other Pieces of Americana, Revised By The Trump Administration

The acting director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services altered the words of “The New Colossus”, the iconic poem inscribed at the foot of The Statue of Liberty, in order to defend the Trump Administration’s plan to deny green cards to low-income immigrants.

But that’s not the only edit to the American cultural canon Trump’s team has been working on…


America the Beautiful 

Written by Katharine Lee Bates,  Revised by Secretary of Agriculture Chief Sonny Perdue

“O beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain. 

Grain that’s value has in no way been depreciated by the trade war with China. 

For purple mountain majesties, above the fruited plain.

Fruit that’s value has in no way been depreciated by the trade war with China.” 


The Gettysburg Address

Written by Abraham Lincoln, Revised by Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation. And there was definitely nobody here before that.”


The Pledge of Allegiance

Written by Francis Bellamy, Revised by Attorney General William Barr

“I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America. And so does President Trump, who has a VERY normal relationship with the Kremlin. NO COLLUSION.”


The Preamble of The Constitution

Written by Gouverneur Morris, Revised by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell

“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution – but I think we can all agree that apart from the Second Amendment, things are pretty open to interpretation…”


The Star Spangled Banner

Written by Francis Scott Key, Revised by EPA Administrator Andrew Wheeler

“Oh, say can you see, 

By the dawn’s early light?

Absolutely. Skies look clearer than ever. 

Smog is a liberal hoax.” 


I Hear America Singing

Written by Walt Whitman, Revised by former Labor Secretary Alex Acosta

“I hear America singing, the varied carols I hear,

Those of mechanics, each one singing his as it should be blithe and strong,

A glorious song that would sadly be destroyed if mechanics were allowed to unionize.” 


You’re a Grand Old Flag:

Written by George M Cohan, Revised by Vice President Mike Pence

“You’re a grand old flag,

You’re a high flying flag,

Are you a girl flag?

Because if you are, I can’t be alone in a room with you.”


The Declaration of Independence:

Written by Thomas Jefferson, Revised by Acting Immigration Director Ken Cuccineli

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men – but specifically wealthy Christians of Western European descent – are created equal…”


God Bless America

Written by Irving Berlin, Revised by President Trump

God, bless America,

Land that I love.

Although Baltimore is a real rat-infested hell.”


 

by Megan Schwartz

Megan Schwartz

Megan Schwartz is an LA-based comedy writer, pug owner, and elastic-waistband enthusiast. Check out more of her writing at www.pleasehiremegan.org