How to Deal With Rejection Like a Professional
Convince yourself that you have to be 3 times better than everyone else to not be rejected. After being rejected, assume you were only 2.5 times better than everyone else.
Protect your carefully crafted social media persona by trotting out harmless little lies such as: “It’s good to follow your dreams,” “I’m just happy to be in the conversation” or “What’s important is that I did my best.”
Learn to appreciate the consistency in rejection that is lacking in so many other aspects of your life.
Decide that your rejections have nothing to do with your work, but with your awful personality. It’s a much easier pill to swallow!
Scream into the void.
If no void is available, scream into your elbow. (It slows the spread of germs and won’t bug those around you who are already really annoyed with your constant whining about rejection).
Dash out a series of escalating oaths, culminating in a vow to never try anything ever again. When inspiration strikes, declare a one-time exemption because this is the idea that’s going to hit, baby!
Make rejection your brand and try to monetize that somehow.
Reflect on the fact that others who have found great success are significantly younger or older than you… but no one is exactly your age. Consult an attorney about suing for some kind of age discrimination.
Take a tip from Lawrence of Arabia: The trick is not minding that rejection crushes your spirit and makes you feel like an abominable loser who wants to lash out at anyone and everyone, especially those who filled you with false hope.
Lash out at anyone and everyone, especially those who filled you with false hope. Ask the attorney about suing them, too.
If those lawsuits come to naught, try suing the attorney.
Dupe your brain into relaxing by using placebos in the place of drugs. If that fails, try using real drugs. If that fails, try using a lot of real drugs.
Dress fancy so people will draw the conclusion that you’re wealthy beyond belief and don’t desperately need this to work out so you can pay the dangerous people you owe money to.
Tell everybody that will listen that you didn’t get rejected at all. When people start to believe you, it will magically become true, not at all unlike a miracle. Once you have a mass of believers sufficiently agitated, give it another go, but this time include a thinly-veiled threat detailing exactly what will happen if they dare reject you again.
If they dare reject you again, use your creative talents to see those no-longer-veiled threats of yours to fruition and make them rue the day they ever heard your name.
Screw it. Try again in 2024.
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Ivan Ehlers is contributor to MAD Magazine, The New Yorker, and the continuing issue of world-wide moral decline.
