Norma, A Doll for the New Normal
Meet your child’s new best friend. This lovable, yet untouchable companion is programmed to repeat the CDC’s guidelines and share the latest gossip on who’s tested positive. Caution: Norma has a strict social distancing policy. Come within 6 feet of her without a mask, and you’ll activate her alarm system, sending an alert to local law enforcement. Ages 2 and up.
Fearplugs, 24/7 Newsfeed
Give your loved ones the gift of fear. With CNN’s wireless earplugs, they’ll receive constant, up-to-date news on COVID cases, police shootings, riots, wildfires, and much more. Fearplugs are safe for everyone, including those with high blood pressure or heart conditions.
N95 Ultra-Protective Mummy Wrap
For the highest level of protection against infectious diseases, Dr. Fauci recommends N95 Mummy Wrap. While there’s a chance of dying and becoming an actual mummy due to lack of oxygen, the ultra-protective fabric blocks out 99.9% of viral intruders, which makes it well worth the risk. Mummy Wrap a perfect way to show others you care about their health.
Vintage Stamps from the Former U.S. Post Office
Pack of 40 for $89.99
They say our minds were wiped clean during the Great Reset, but some artifacts look strangely familiar! This collection of Not Forever stamps will bring back faint memories of the United States Postal Service (USPS), before it was shut down and replaced by the World Stamping and Tracking Organization (USTO).
Subscription to Erasebook.com
$10.99 / year
Your friend will thank you for this year-long subscription to Erasebook, the internet’s number one site for disappearing content. Every day, thousands of Erasebook users experience the magic of seeing their articles and videos disappear, without explanation. We recommend not asking too many questions; it will spoil the fun!
Virtual Fam Holographic Family Projector
Not able to see your relatives this holiday? Virtual Fam’s got you covered. Our new holographic projector creates 3D simulations of various family members, ranging from grandparents and godparents to nephews, nieces and in-laws. We make sure to project each individual’s best qualities, while deleting the more troublesome parts of their personalities.
Early Humans, An Illustrated Text by Bill Gates
According to anthropologist Bill Gates, the prehistoric era of mankind began around 10,000 BC and ended in the year 2020 AD, with the adoption of widespread social distancing practices. In contrast to modern civilized beings, early humans lived without face coverings and engaged in kissing, hugging, backslapping, and other savage rituals.
Puppet Master Advanced Mind Control Chip
Can’t decide what to buy? Let us decide for you! This high-tech smart chip will connect your brain to the world’s leading decision-makers, so you never have to worry about thinking for your self again. Installs easily in your cerebral cortex for effective remote control and puppeteering.
Noel Spangler is a writer, editor and visual storyteller based in New York City. He earned his M.F.A. in creative writing from the New School, and has published humor in Points in Case, Robot Butt, Funny-ish and others.