I, An Instagram Influencer, Say This Luxury Garbage Bag Poncho Is 100% A Necessity And You Must Buy It
Fashion Week is here and you know what that means: it’s time to throw out all of our shit from last year and buy an entirely new wardrobe!
The hot item this year is this super cute, amaze balls, luxe luxe luxe garbage bag poncho. It’s honestly the best thing ever, and I should know, I own the best of everything. Or did you forget I only have this magazine job because I’m the heir to the Hilton dynasty?
I first discovered this poncho when I got it sent to me for free by the designer because I work super super hard at this two-hour-a-week job that my daddy made me get or else he was going to take away my private jet. I haven’t worn it yet actually, but I made my housekeeper wear it every day for two weeks so I could write about it Other than the two times she passed out from heat exhaustion, which the weirdo EMT told me was from wearing too many clothes in July (that’s a thing?), she seemed to really really like it!
So it comes in two colors, White and Black, and then there’s an extra-deluxe one with “Tear-Resistant Technology” that actually wipes your tears away for you. Did you hear that, Conrad? Someone does want to wipe away my tears, you jerk-face! Go back to the Hamptons and tell some other girl she’s too much drama!
This poncho is so freaking cute, I want to scream. It’s covered in all of these jewels, like rubies and sapphires and emeralds. I don’t know, I guess they’re good? Usually I throw out anything that isn’t a diamond or let my housekeeper’s kids play with it like a toy I guess, but this poncho is so cute, I actually didn’t throw it out. Crazy, right? It actually comes in different scents too. There’s “Lavender & Sweet Vanilla”, “White Pine Breeze”, and “Scent-Free with Arm & Hammer Patented Odor Neutralizer”. Isn’t that so cute?
So the poncho is $8,000, which daddy would say is too much, but daddy doesn’t know fashion and I do, so listen to me. I hear the designer is only making 50 so you should really buy it ASAP if you ever want us to be friends – we still probably won’t be, but I won’t even like consider it unless you get this poncho. Also if you don’t want your boyfriend to leave you (for me, obvs) and if you want your mom to still love you, you definitely need to buy this. I heard Gigi Hadid bought matching ones for her and her new baby.
Oh, you can’t afford it? Ew, then why are you reading this, or even talking to me? Gross. Ciao!
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Amy Currul is a comedy and satire writer living in Brooklyn, New York. Her work has appeared on Robot Butt and Little Old Lady Comedy, which is a miracle because she enjoys watching Grey’s Anatomy much more than she does writing. You can check out her website http://www.amycurrul.com or follow her on Twitter for updates on her daily shenanigans.
