Yes, I did kidnap you. And yes, I did take advantage of your trusting nature and our years of friendship in order to lure you into the back of my Honda Odyssey with the blacked-out windows. But don’t worry! You only have to live in this dank storage unit in my backyard until my true crime podcast takes off.
Prime Crime Time with Ryan Blime is the show I’ve dreamed of making ever since I legally changed my last name for the title. But I couldn’t find a true crime story riveting enough- even after two whole hours of interviewing people in jail yesterday. (Everyone’s convicted of the the boring “stab-and-grab” these days, I guess. The one guy I found who robbed a bank while sleepwalking just didn’t have a voice for radio.)
I had to take things into my own hands. I’ve been feeling really confident in myself lately and I’m not about to wait for success to come knocking on my door anymore. No- I’m going to go get it, I’m going to go out there and take what I want! Seize the day! Seize you, kidnap you, and take you to this musty metal box in my backyard!
Exciting, right? My career is finally about to take off. Though I do feel a little bad the perfect crime story involves you having to pee in a bucket in the corner of a pitch-black metal prison.
That’s why I’m really trying to get things rolling with the investigation- I’m even sending the police a severed finger to jumpstart things. Calm down- it’s not going to be your finger, do you think I’m crazy? It’s the finger of a fresh body I grave-robbed last night. (See? We’re all making sacrifices here.)
Anyway, I want you to be comfortable in this cold and musty metal box that’s only steps away from my home and working toilet. I brought you a sleeping bag, a pillow, and even my old Nintendo DS with a Nintendogs game cartridge if you get bored. I realize I did forget to bring the charger – gosh, what catch-all drawer is that old thing hiding in?- but you can play it until the machine dies, leaving you encapsulated in the suffocating darkness of this steel prison. Look, I left you Super Mario, too!
I realize how unfair this is to you- I mean, you’re going to miss your five minutes of fame because you’re locked in this poorly insulated metal box I rented from PODS. But wasn’t it you who once told me “friends help out friends” after you lent me your truck to move that couch from Craigslist? And remember just last year, when I picked up your kids from school one time because your wife was having a breast cancer scare?
Thank God your wife is perfectly fine, by the way. Because someone has to watch your kids while the cops are investigating your potential murder and disappearance, and childcare is expensive these days.
Really just relax and enjoy! There’s also no cell reception and no Internet, a perfect retreat from our “go, go, go” society, I think. I’m jealous you get to be trapped here, honestly, I am. I wish I didn’t have to work this week and we could just chill here, listening to the collection of awesome Now That’s What I Call Music! CDs I brought for you.
Oh shoot- I that reminds me, I forgot to bring a CD player didn’t I? Where would I even get one these days, haha? It’s okay, just sit tight and listen to the sound of your harrowed breathing and the neighborhood cats in heat. I’ll bring something else to do when I come back from interviewing your parents in Temecula tomorrow.
And hey! Since I posted on the Prime Crime Facebook page this morning, we’ve already got three new likes!
Well, I’ll be back in a little while. I have to go shoot the shit with some cops at the police station and casually ask about your disappearance. Thanks for hearing me out, buddy. You can take the duct tape off your mouth now.
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