Ice Is Hiring! Start Your Career Today!
Thanks to a generous signing bonus, truncated training, and removal of age requirements, ICE is seeing a historic surge in application and new hires. To keep the momentum going, it’s rolling out a new recruitment campaign via SMS.
Hi, I’m Geraldine.
I recently came across your CV on LinkedIn and think that based on your trolling hateful posts against transpeople and immigrants and chairing of the J6 Fraternal Order of Brotherhood, you’d be a perfect fit for ICE. Looking for a great culture, generous benefits package, and a career path like no other, let’s chat. You cover your face, we’ll cover your legal fees. Reply YES to set up a call.
Hello! We came across your arrest record and frankly we’re impressed!
With a rap sheet like that, you must be a legal expert by now! Which makes a position with ICE an ideal fit for you. Looking for that judicial warrant to enter a private home? Not necessary! Around here we don’t think of it separating families. We think of it as reuniting them at filthy detention centers. Come see what could be with ICE. Reply YES to hear more.
Everything is nice at ICE.
Hello! This is Tim. Looking for your next big jobby job? Come protect liberty with your militia buddies at ICE and have a side of fun along the way. Sure, you’ll make some enemies for now, but you’ll make friends for life. The office culture around here is killer. If you think Funky Neck Gaiter Mondays are fun, just wait til Tactical Gear ‘n Tear Gas Tuesdays. Reply YES to chat.
ICE wants you!
If you thought making heroes at Jersey Mike’s for $8 an hour was rewarding, just wait till you throw down a couple whistleblowing phone-wielding 60-year-old lesbo protesters into a snowbank. Now that’s our kind of hero! Got a happy-go-lucky trigger finger? Use it to reply YES to set up a call.
My name is Roger and I’m a recruiter with ICE.
Do you love unlimited access to pepper spray, shoving old ladies into snow banks and baiting hardworking roofers with their 5-year-old kids? Let’s chat! This could be a great opportunity for you, your children, and our country.
Reply YES to calendar a call.
Work freely from your ‘97 Honda CRV.
If you have the intelligence of a shovel and the diplomatic skills of a garbage disposal, you could be a top candidate with ICE. Jobs starting at $32.50/hour, generous signing bonus, unlimited pepper spray. No previous experience, integrity, empathy or college degree required. Hit us up and let’s talk fascism! Reply YES to chat.
Hey there! We saw you failed your NYPD psychological evaluation a record 11 times.
What’s up, Fellow Patriot!
Love targeted operations but have nowhere to channel your seething racism and/or grievances? Come join ICE. It’s your big chance to bust people in a Home Depot parking lot, break-up families, and meet whistleblowers who blow actual whistles. Nothing beats Administrative Leave after discharging your weapon. And our rec softball team is a record 11-1. Reply YES to schedule a virtual meet-n-greet.
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Sean Michael Lee is an advertising copywriter based in suburban New Jersey and was recently named JD Power & Associates best full-size creative director for a record 10 years in a row.
