I’d Much Rather Be Called Racist than Weird, So It’s Time to Insult the Mixed-Race Vice President

I couldn’t take it any longer. I’m not weird! I’m not! But nothing could make them stop calling me that. Not even when I responded to the “weird” accusation by informing them that that’s such a feminine and unvirtuous line of attack.

 

And so I decided to shift the narrative back in my favor: insult the mixed race vice president of the United States, and be called racist once again.

 

Before going on stage, I knew this election was slipping away from me, so I locked myself in the bathroom—alone, except for two big, strong Secret Service agents—and practiced my lines and accordion hands in the mirror.

 

And when I went out there in front of all those African Americans, I couldn’t have executed it better. Or more racistly.

 

I knew the whole “turn Black” thing was a winner. And demanding that someone “look into” Kamala’s ethnicity? That’s some 2015-era birtherism right there. Tried and true. And viola. We’re back in business, baby.

 

Back to the good old days of before July 25. Back to when my opponents hadn’t yet settled on something so penetrating: “weird.” So vicious! They say it’s a slur. Really, that’s what they say. Despite what it looks like, I really am trying to win this election, and that was a huge downer. It sure was a tough week. I never thought it would end.

 

Now we move forward together, holding our heads high under the mantle of “racist.” I can live with that. It’s my bread and butter. Now, I just pray to God they don’t try to say that being racist is “weird.” No! Being racist is racist! That’s how it’s always been, from the Bible to right now. Nothing can change that.

 

I should say that with fewer than 100 days to go until the election, I have one more racism up my sleeve in case the “weird” allegations start sticking again. I’ve been saving it for about a decade now. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I will not go down in history as weird.

 

But racist? Sure, what the hell.