Originals

ColonBroom FAQ

What is ColonBroom?

 

ColonBroom is a naturally-derived fiber supplement that harnesses the power of psyllium husk to relieve constipation, aid in the digestive process and regulate bowel movements. Our motto is, “Poop like a winner, lose the weight the easy way.” In fact, I’m drinking my scoop of ColonBroom in 250 mL of water right now!

 

Why is dietary fiber important?

 

Dietary fiber is key for a healthy digestive system and normal bowel movements. Before ColonBroom, I pooped like a loser. When I told doctors I hadn’t pooped in six months, they said ridiculous things like, “I don’t know how you’re still alive,” and “You need to go to the emergency room right now.” But I didn’t listen. And now, thanks to the raw power of ColonBroom, I poop like a goddamn winner.



 

How long will it take before I feel the effects of ColonBroom?

 

But dear customer, pooping like a winner was just the beginning. If you are one of the chosen, you will feel the effects within seconds. Immediately after my first sip, the world came into focus. I could see drops of dew clinging to individual blades of grass. I heard a hummingbird 25 miles away flapping its wings. Deep in the Sahara, a jaguar stalked a gazelle. I couldn’t actually hear that but I’ve been watching a lot of nature documentaries since I now spend 12 hours a day glued to the toilet.

 

How long should I take ColonBroom?

 

The feeling when I poop is nothing but the purest form of euphoria and triumph. Like Moses parting the Red Sea and leading his people out of Egypt. Like the Achaeans pouring out of the wooden horse and enveloping the streets of Troy. That moment on the brink of life and death, that point of no return when you’re still extremely nauseous from giving rectal birth to a pound of raw broccoli, but already thinking about the leftover burrito in the fridge.

 

How long does shipping take?

 

I’ve devoted the remainder of my life to spreading the word my God, ColonBroom, to the four corners of the earth. I type this from atop a camel’s third hump as we wind our way down the banks of the Nile. Every soul must know the power I have unlocked. I have unlocked a power deep within that I never in my wildest dreams knew I possessed. Before, the mere sight of a public restroom reduced me to tears. Toilet paper laughed. Every time I flushed, a bidet in Australia cackled. But now, toilets tremble when my name is whispered through the pipes. Last night I took a dump so perfect it glowed—

 

Can I take ColonBroom with vitamins, supplements or pre-workout?

 

Purple mist rose from the depth of the bowl, curling into a snake. My knees trembled as it opened its mouth and spoke to me. “You have IBSSSS,” it hissed before dissipating into thin air. I sank to my knees, sobbing into my own shit, overcome with the emotion of hearing the Word straight from the mouth of Hot Snake. In that moment, I knew I would never stop spreading the gospel of ColonBroom.

 

Can I use ColonBroom while on the keto diet?

 

I spend my days traveling to remote villages in the farthest corners of the world, preaching the blessing of ColonBroom. Many have come under the grips of the devil itself, Miralax. I have devoted my life to helping every lost, poor soul unlock the power within. The power to poop like a winner. The power to lose the weight easy. The power to know peace, to know justice, to know faith. The power to ask for the dessert menu.

 

How do I change my payment method?

 

To change your payment method, kindly contact our Help Center.

by Bobbie Armstrong

Bobbie Armstrong

Bobbie Armstrong is a former child, current writer and student. Her work has appeared on McSweeney’sSlackjawBelladonna ComedyLittle Old Lady, and her parents’ fridge. Follow her existential crisis @not_bobbi.