Best Of 2021

I’m Michael Myers from Halloween and I Just Want to Talk About Your Car’s Extended Warranty

I can tell from that look of shock that you weren’t expecting me to track you down. Again. But no matter how many times you change your phone number or fake your own death, I’m going to find you. Not because I’m a psychopath with some bizarre drive to kill you, but because I want to save you money on auto repair costs.

I’ve been called evil, soulless and obscenely persistent. So when Warranties R Us transitioned from spamming every cell phone in the country with robocalls to using real live (or possibly undead) sales agents, I was the logical choice. Also, I need to save up for retirement. Terrorizing small midwest towns is a young man’s game.

So I’ve come back to Haddonfield not to strangle you with a telephone cord (who even has a landline these days?) but to make sure you don’t get financially strangled by expensive car maintenance. And no matter what you drive, I can get you coverage. Even if your car is older than this movie franchise.

Did you know a typical dealer warranty expires sooner than the lag time between Halloween I and Halloween II? That could leave you more vulnerable than a babysitter home alone during the month of October. What could be worse than needing a costly repair only to find out that your car’s original warranty has disappeared, like my body after I was shot six times and fell off a balcony?

That’s why you need this coverage. Unfortunately, every time I approach someone with my sales pitch, they say things like, “Why are you stalking me?” and “I’m a teenager, I don’t even own a car!” and “Help!”

But do I give up? No. I’ve been committed to several high-security institutions over the years, but now I’m committed to saving you money!

If you’re screaming now, wait until you find out that I can get you a plan for just $2 a day. That’s an entire year for less than it cost to reattach those fingers I severed back in 2018.

Plus, it covers preventative maintenance so you know your car will be responsive when you have to swerve because a masked, knife-wielding killer appears in your headlights. And you’ll have peace of mind when you’re careening down the road and someone throws a dead body onto your hood (glass coverage extra).

Gear shift damaged from your best friend getting impaled on it? Covered! Upholstery ripped from a knife going right through your boyfriend’s chest? Covered! Dents and scratches from someone clinging to the roof while stabbing you through the driver’s side window? All covered! Plus, premium customers get blood and guts removal at no extra charge.

This is a deal people would die for. Let me put my superhuman strength to work for you, getting you the best rate possible.

You can shoot me in the chest, gouge my eyes out, stab me with a knife, impale me with a knitting needle, burn me alive, hit me with a truck, throw me down a mine shaft and blast me with dynamite, electrocute me, trap me in a room full of gas and light a match, throw me off a roof, and behead me with an ax, but nothing will stop me from coming back again and trying to sell you this warranty.

Face it. There’s no escaping this great deal. But if you don’t stop screaming, I may have to use the knife on you.

What’s that? You don’t own a car anymore?

No problem. I’m also happy to talk about consolidating your credit card debt.