Two Tour de France Announcers Narrate My Morning Jog 

“Welcome to our special sports event broadcast. We have some VERY exciting news to share!”

“That’s right. Usually during the summer we’re in Europe covering that grueling challenge known as Le Tour de France.”

“Indeed. We should be sipping un citron pressé, gazing at the Alps, and using words like hors catégorie, but not this year. The Tour has been postponed, we’re unemployed, and we can’t even fly to Paris from the US right now.”

“Fortunately, we’re able to substitute our coverage of France’s most iconic sporting event with a play-by-play of some random woman’s run around the park.”

“Because we seek the thrill of professional sports wherever we are.”

“Correct. And while this runner may be slow, she has professional-level determination. She’s committed to losing that ‘Quarantine Fifteen’ before a second lockdown starts.”

“All that home-made sourdough had an impact.”

“It really did. Well, we’re ready to begin. She’s entered the park and she’s off! And here’s her first obstacle, a pedestrian in the middle of the path.”

“Looks like she’s veering right. No, left. No, right.”

“A tricky maneuver! We call this the ‘Covid Dodge’ and it’s an exciting way to begin today’s run.”

“It certainly is. Oh, what’s this? A course correction already!”

“Yes, just like Tour riders need to avoid aggressive fans, she’s had to run on the grass to avoid a couple wearing no masks.”

“This reminds me of that time in 2003 when Lance Armstrong, that rat bastard, rode across a field to avoid a fallen cyclist.”

“Indeed, this is VERY similar to that historic moment. Fortunately, like Lance, she’s back on course and making progress. But now she’s stopped to admire a Golden Retriever puppy.”

“As with the Tour route, this course is FULL of distractions, and that puppy is adorable. You can see she’s digging deep, trying to find the discipline to stay six feet away.”

“Or two meters, as we might say if we were in France. Which we’re not. But we’re witnessing a world-class effort here as she heads towards the most difficult section of the course: a slight incline.”

“You can see the exertion, the way the terrain is taking a toll. It’s not quite as steep as Mont Ventoux in France, but the grade reaches almost one percent in some areas.”

“And this is why we watch sports, isn’t it? To see the triumph of will over adversity.”

“Her face is redder than a premier cru from Burgundy. She’s really struggling. Almost a walking pace, really.”

“There’s a bit of a crowd on this section of the path. What’s this? She’s picking up speed. She’s making her move!”

“Yes, a man behind her coughed. Look at her sprint away from him! This is remarkable!”

“He coughed again! She’s really putting the hammer down now. It reminds me of 2010 when Fabian Cancellara accelerated so quickly that he was accused of having a motorized bike.”

“Indeed! And the thrills keep coming because we have another course correction. She’s breaking away from the pack!”

“A pack of old men walking, that is. About five of them. They come to the park every morning, and take up every inch of pavement, refusing to move out of the way.”

“Not a mask to be seen. But she’s not going to let them stop her, even if that means running through some bushes to maintain a two-meter distance.”

“Unfortunately, the sprinklers are on. This reminds me of last year’s Tour when riders suffered through heavy rain, a hailstorm, AND a landslide that almost took out the yellow jersey, or maillot jaune.”

“It really is JUST like that. The perseverance. The grit. The triumph of the human spirit.”

“She’s walking again.”

“The crowd is catching up, almost within two meters. She’ll need to look deep into her suitcase of courage to muster the will to get away. She’s playing a game of cat and mouse with the pack, and I fear she might get caught. The tension is ratcheting up. Will she make it?”

“But wait! A shocking turn of events: she just sneezed!”

“The crowd has fallen silent as they all stare. And now look at her go! Sprinting for home before the mob can catch her and test her with a nasal swab!”

“Reminds me of Lance running from the doping officials.”

“EXACTLY like that!”

“Well, that wraps up our event coverage for today. Be sure to tune in tomorrow when unemployed announcers from the Summer Olympics narrate a game of tag being played by three bored siblings in their backyard.”