I’m Seeing a Lady on the Side…

Hey Man,

 

I’m glad you could make it to brunch today. Everything isn’t ok if I’m being honest. Things are complicated between Maria and I right now. Yeah, our marriage is a little rocky and I’m not feeling the best about it. I think it has something to do with the fact that I’m seeing a lady on the side. Not like an affair. I’m literally seeing this woman in the corner of my eye, all day, all of the time.  She is perpetually haunting my periphery. She’s been there for about a month.  At first I wasn’t sure if she was like, a bit of dust or something, but then I realized dust usually isn’t lady shaped. Also, dust doesn’t whisper. And even if it did, it definitely wouldn’t whisper about how I need to “sacrifice Maria to the Lord of Shades.” Whoever that is.

 

I am aware that this isn’t normal. Nor are the spiders that crawl all over her. Or the black ooze that pours out of her eyes, nose, mouth, and ears. I’m not imagining this, I am definitely being haunted by a demon-lady. The weirdest thing is, she does the  haunt-y stuff when Maria isn’t around. At first it was the usual: she’d move all my furniture, flicker the lights, send slime up all the drains in the house, alphabetize all the books on the shelf in the living room… then she started doing some… unorthodox… stuff. Like, she’ll mess with my hair, but in a flirty way. She’ll put a beheaded raccoon in the bathroom tub, but she’ll draw a kissy face on the wall in its blood. Sometimes she’ll even write me poetry. Decent poetry. I haven’t been able to sleep in weeks. This has all been very unsettling… but not as unsettling as the fact that I think I like it? And maybe… like her, too?

 

I know that may be wrong. I mean, this woman is literally a demon, but she is a demon who makes me feel seen. Not just because she is always staring at me with those big yellow eyes (which, by the way, also show you your greatest fears if you look into them) but because she listens. We talk every night I sleep on the couch (which is most nights). At first, I was a little afraid to open up to her, on account of the talons, but we’ve really connected through our conversations. We talk about my interests like art and philosophy, as well as her interests, like killing my wife. At least, that’s what I think we’re talking about. It’s hard to tell when Vanessa speaks in backwards Latin.

Aside from dead languages, she also speaks my love languages. Sure, she says things to me like “you can do it, you can kill your wife.” But what she’s really saying is you can, and those are words I really need to hear right now. It feels nice to be told I am a capable person and that’s something Maria just doesn’t do anymore. Vanessa shares more than words of affirmations though: she is also big into acts of service. She bit the throat out of the deer that was eating my azalea’s. She offered to read a draft of my screenplay about a partner of a mid-tier law firm who finally finds happiness at a local line-dancing class. Every now and then she’ll even cook a meal for me. Will she open all of the drawers in the kitchen and throw the pots and pans around the room while doing so? Sure. Is the dish she makes just roadkill covered in balsamic glaze? Yes. Will her jaw unhinge and her fangs come out if I say “I’m full” at any point? Absolutely.  But it’s the thought that counts. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that she is easy on the eyes… at least, when she’s not doing that jaw thing, she is.

I do feel bad about this though: it isn’t right to be sneaking around behind my wife’s back, hanging out with, what some may say is, an evil spirit I have developed feelings for. Sure times are tough. Tough to the point where things I did that made Maria smile now make her scoff. Where she doesn’t want to sleep next to me anymore. Where there’s a gap between us on the couch when we watch TV together– if we watch TV together. But does her distance give me an excuse to get love I’m missing from another woman, more specifically, a demon lady? Absolutely not… and, I don’t care. I feel awful that I don’t care, but I love that damn demon-lady. And if I’m being a hundred-percent honest, I am also starting to get tired of waking up an hour earlier than Maria every day to clean up all of those black, ooze-covered spiders Vanessa leaves around after our make out sessions.

 

Ok, maybe I am having an affair…

I don’t want to anymore though. I want to make things right. I’ll start by divorcing Maria. Probably a lot easier than sawing her head off like Vanessa suggested. As for Vanessa, I want to make an honest demon-lady out of her, not keep our love a dirty secret. Partially because I’m terrified she’ll kill me if I don’t, but mainly because she deserves it. It seems like she wants that too: She said that marrying her is a must so we can bring forth the Prince of Shades. Apparently, he can only be born from our union within wedlock, if you catch my drift, hubba hubba meow. So if we’re going to move past over-the-pants stuff, I’m gonna have to put a ring on it.

That settles that. Maria will keep the house, and Vanessa and I will start a new life together.

One where we usher in a new era of suffering and darkness for all. Where shadow people and partners of mid tier law firms can love each other and serve her father Big Doug, Lord of Shades, together.

 

Anyway, what’s new with you?