I’m Typhon, Father Of All Monsters, And There’s More To Me Than Being A Reprehensible, Serpent Giant Who Wants To Burn The World To The Ground.

(Indiscernible, cacophonous screams from 100 serpent heads) Excuse me — still nursing the end of a chest cold. Hi there! I’m Typhon, Father of All Monsters, and I’m running for King of the Gods against the incumbent Zeus. But let’s do away with formalities, shall we? Feel free to call me T-snake. All my monster kids do.

You might’ve heard my numerous heads bellowing my campaign slogan in various bestial dialects from the underworld, but I wanted to help you put a face to a name. In this day and age when so many unfathomable demons are vying for your vote, I felt it was important for me to step out among you and show you all how I’m a cut above. No really, my lower body snake coils will snap you right in half so stay back.

I know I might seem like this terrifying gigantic god dragon, but I’m much more like the rest of you than you think. I have two loving parents, Gaia and Tartarus. Full disclosure, dad is a dark, evil, bottomless pit where the wicked are tortured for all eternity, but whose dad isn’t, amiright? Funnily enough, he married a real bleeding heart free spirit. She’s where I get my slightly less fire-breathy side. And my winning smile.

Many of you’ve probably seen my beautiful wife Echidna knocking on doors around town. Don’t be fooled by her half-reptilian body, she’s the warmest woman you’ll ever meet. But maybe keep any babies or pets away from her mouth just to be safe.

Most weekends, Echidna and I spend time with our multi-headed kids, Cerberus, Chimera, and Hydra just breathing fire and terrorizing nearby villagers. We also love to prune our herb garden — Echidna’s coriander crop is a real stunner this year.

Now let me take a moment to be real with you. I know you’re not all on board with my views, but I think that’s because you think they’re more extreme than they really are.

Yes, I do believe we the gods are far superior to those disgusting mortals who pollute our bloodlines when they allow themselves to be raped by us. That’s why I’m in full support of separating them from their demigod children (which we’ll force them to have despite the fact that they’re products of rape, because every partial god life is precious), and throwing them off our pristine cloud city to their grisly deaths. BUT I also believe they make great ambrosia guac, so we should probably keep a few around to do that.

I’m all about a return to family values and a god’s right to hurl mountains at another god if they appear to be carrying a concealed lightning bolt. Now does that sound monstrous to you? (Coughs out a fireball which torches a nearby temple). Hoooeee! Looks like I could use a Ricola, huh?

If you support Mount Olympus first, don’t vote for Zeus, whose passive reign has thrown us back 1,000 years. Vote for the 100 headed, fire-breathing serpent giant who crawled his way out from under a volcano just to shake hands (or coils) with you fine people. Also I ripped all the muscles out of Zeus’ body once and I can do it again.

Hope you all have a pleasant evening, or as we say back home (deafening cries of lions, dragons, snakes and bulls).