Imagined Notification Texts from Two Startup Meal Delivery Services in the Near Future

12:15 PM from Cuminoids: Cuminoids is delivering your meals with your Doorstep Delivery program while you are at work.

 

12:18: PM from Farm 2 Mouth: Farm 2 Mouth meal delivery is happy to announce we have arrived at your home for your first in-home delivery service.

 

12:26 PM from Cuminoids: Looks like Farm 2 Mouth meal delivery just showed up at the same time. Not sure why you have both services going as Cuminoids has everything you could need in our inventory with an emphasis on all things enhanced by Cumin.

 

12:27PM from Farm 2 Mouth: We are pleased to announce we successfully entered your home using the keypad information you provided, and are now putting your meals away in your refrigerator.

 

12:30 PM from Farm 2 Mouth: You have a lot of stuff in this refrigerator already! There’s about five different take-out containers which I took the liberty of throwing away as they were moldy and would disrupt the farm-fresh items we brought for you from our local, hydroponic, vertical, dirt-less, magic based, farm.

 

12:32 PM from Cuminoids: I’m still mulling over what items you might have ordered from Farm 2 Mouth and am going to attempt to ask your delivery person. You can literally put Cumin on anything and we’ve designed a rock-solid business plan around that.

 

12:34 PM from Farm 2 Mouth: A Cuminoids delivery person is at the front door telling me to let him in as it is critical that I do so. Is it? Is he authorized to enter your home?

 

12:35 PM From Cuminoids: Tell your boy from Farm 2 Mouth to let me in. I misplaced your access code. My supervisor must have forgotten to include it, please don’t let this sour your experience – I have so many Cumin-based entrees for you to try.

 

12:36 PM from Farm 2 Mouth: I am still cleaning your refrigerator as a container of hoisin sauce exploded when I moved it.

 

12:37 PM from Cuminoids: I smell hoisin sauce through the door. We have hoisin sauce at Cuminoids so you didn’t need to order it from Farm 2 Mouth.

 

12:39 PM from Farm 2 Mouth: A carton of eggs have fallen on the floor, and I am embarrassed to say I slipped, I have fallen, and I can’t appear to get up. If you are checking this text, please send help.

 

12:39 PM from Cuminoids: I heard yelling, and I called through your front door that I could come in and help. The Farm 2 Mouth delivery man dragged himself to the front door to open it.

 

12:40 PM from Farm 2 Mouth: I let your Cuminoids delivery person in the house. I know this is a breach of our delivery terms of service, but I needed assistance, and he appeared like a Guardian Farmer Angel in my time of need.

 

12:41 PM from Cuminoids: I am helping the Farm 2 Mouth delivery guy, who I have propped up in a chair at the kitchen table. He appears to have pulled a muscle and he should get some rest, so I restrained him gently. Do not be alarmed as this is a protocol procedure all delivery persons adhere to in the event of an encounter like this.

 

12:42 PM from Farm 2 Mouth: CUMINOIDS DELIVERY HAS TIED ME UP. He is now rummaging through your order from Farm 2 Mouth. He is putting the items away and looking at the things you purchased. THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

 

12:43 PM from Cuminoids: I have discovered a few items Farm 2 Mouth carries that we don’t and I have made note of that. I am now leaving the premises after saving the grocery delivery man’s life.

 

12:44 PM from Farm 2 Mouth: The fucker finally untied me, and I punched him in the face. I only pulled a muscle in my leg, but Cuminoids underestimated my upper body strength. He has NO idea how much plant-based protein I consume.

 

12:45 PM from Cuminoids: Farm 2 Mouth doesn’t understand the concept of simple, peaceful act of deception in order to advance one’s business goals. I only wanted to help Cuminoids become more competitive, and now I have a punched face.

 

12:47 PM from Farm 2 Mouth: We are talking. We need a few minutes, and we’ll get back to you asap.

 

12:55 PM From Farm 2 Mouth: I have fulfilled your meal delivery request, cleaning up the broken eggs on the floor with your household cleansing product, wrapped my leg in an ace bandage I found in your bathroom, and given the Cuminoids delivery man an ice pack.

 

12:56 PM from Cuminoids: I learned something here today, and I intend to use it to help my employer become superior to Farm 2 Mouth, but I also learned that no matter what meal delivery service you choose, it’s relationships that matter. I was so impressed by the Farm 2 Mouth delivery guy’s punching technique, that I asked him for pointers and he gave me great suggestions to try at the gym to improve my upper body fitness, and a few recipes for pea-protein shakes.

 

12:57 PM from Farm 2 Mouth: Thank you for choosing Farm 2 Mouth’s Meal Delivery Service.

12:57 PM from Cuminoids: Thank you for choosing Cuminoids Delivery Service.