Internal Trump Campaign Emails From Last Weekend

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Friday, Oct. 7, 2016

3:35 pm

From: Donald

To: Campaign Staff

Hey folks….

Sorry for this email. I don’t like to do the emails, I’d prefer to Tweet. But I’ve been advised that emails are preferable to Tweets for professional exchanges. Who says? Who’s more qualified than me to make that call? You? Sorry, but no.

Regardless, here we are, with this email.

(I still recommend you check out my Tweets; there’s some funny, insightful stuff in there).

In any event, I’ve been advised (again with the advising! I’m the only one qualified to advise anyone around here, I can assure you) to inform everyone of a silly little video that has been released to the internet. I say silly, and that can’t be overstated enough. This thing should be on America’s Funniest Home Movies, not the evening news. In fact, I’m sure that the news people will take one look at throw it in the trash. No one cares about stuff like this. Now its against the law to compliment a woman? No wonder this country is in such a mess. Another example of why I’m so needed.

Anyway, okay…. back to it.

Donald

 

 

 

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Friday, Oct. 7, 2016

5:46 pm

From: Donald

To: Campaign Staff

Hi again….

Well, as it turns out, this country is even more in the toilet that I originally imagined. It’s scary out there, folks.

From what I’m seeing and hearing, no one in this country has a sense of humor. No surprise there, I guess. Everyone made a big deal over my jokes about Mexicans being rapists, and Muslims not being allowed into the country. Get a sense of humor, people!

Anyway, in addition to not being able to tell jokes, you also apparently can’t pay a compliment to a lovely woman. And hey, sorry if I’m a bit touchy-feely! I’m a people person, I crave human contact.

It’s a sad day, not only for America, but for all of humanity.

But don’t worry! We won’t let them get us down! I’ve got a great, uplifting video that we’ll be uploading onto Facebook later this evening. I feel confident that this will soothe everyone’s concerns, and this entire situation will be forgotten about by morning.

In the meantime, have you been checking out my Tweets? There are some good ones on there! You should probably steer clear if you, like the rest of the country, are easily offended, though. Or fat.

Have a great weekend,

 

 

 

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Donald

Saturday, Oct. 8, 2016

6:14 am

From: Donald

To: Campaign Staff

Sorry guys,

Really sorry to have to ask you in on a Saturday. What a pickle, eh?

I’m flabbergasted by the reaction to my video from last night! And even more surprised by Melania’s reaction to this irritating non-story. She typically thinks that my jokes are hilarious, and especially my sexual assault material. But folks, she is really steamed at me for some reason this time. In order to make amends, I had to contend with “little-Melanie” last night. And folks, “little-Melanie” is not at all little, and certainly does not belong near the tender bottom of a future world leader. Still, I’m a devoted husband as well as a man of the people. So, we do what we have to do. When you watch me on the debate tomorrow evening, you’ll notice that I’m not going to be sitting down at all, and will probably keep on the move for the better part of the event, as I’d rather my colon not fall out onto the floor on national tv.

I wanted to get this off of my chest, but this is the last I’m going to say about it. I’m feeling very vulnerable right now, so let’s just leave it at that.

This has been a rough weekend, and so I believe that I’m going to give the emails a rest for the time being. I just feel more comfortable, more myself, with my old friend Twitter. Plus, we all saw what happened with Hillary and her emails; I’d hate for these very personal messages to get hacked and end up being splattered all over some crude, exploitative web-site.

Hugs,

Donald

 

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