Introducing FYOOM, The New Video Conferencing App That Lets Participants Smell One Another

Do you miss the nuance that aromas add to in-person meetings? Do you need to smell the perspiration of an under-fire nemesis to enter full carnivore mode at business meetings? Do you see people who haven’t showered in weeks and wonder what their scalp might smell like? Do you just miss the general funk of people?

You need FYOOM. It’s like Zoom but with a scratch and sniff feature which lets you smell the other meeting participants. Scratch the screen, wait a few seconds, and enjoy the scent being emitted by your fellow conference attendees’ armpits, scalp, unwashed clothing, breath, and overarching gestalt.

Have you ever accidentally in a quasi Pavlovian state splashed on some Drakkar Noir before the big meeting, sat down at your computer, and said “I just, much like Pavlov’s dogs might have done, splashed on a sizable quantity of Drakkar Noir – which isn’t cheap well it’s cheaper than it used to be but it still costs more than say Old Spice or Stetson but anyway – and now no one will be able to smell me because this is a Zoom meeting?”

You need FYOOM. Because for an additional fee you can press a button on your own laptop and blast your own scent to the other video conference participants. Because if no one smells your Drakkar Noir, does it even have a fragrance???

Has a colleague ever inadvertently shown you their soiled and elasticized pants when they had to get up from their desk to shove a cat off a windowsill or walk to the other side of the room to tend to a feral child or unlock the door to let a spouse back into the home and have you then wondered, “I wonder what those soiled and elasticized pants smell like?” Or can you almost see the green fog emitted from a particularly malodorous colleague’s icky mouth and his slovenly workspace and said, “Goddamn I wish I was in that room with them!!”?

You need FYOOM. Because why torture and eventually deaden just  TWO senses when you virtually meet with people, when you can torture and eventually deaden three senses?

FYOOM has harnessed bandwidth technology and cookies to infiltrate firewalls and harness the fumes from your colleagues’ stinky butts. It’s the same technology that Volkswagen engineers developed to shoot emissions into the atmosphere with that thing they installed in all the Jetta dashboards. Except we use your laptop and the emissions (probably) aren’t (likely THAT) toxic.

Do you miss walking into a meeting with a fresh Venti Pumpkin Spice Latte and taunting your colleagues with the aroma of pumpkin spice and the notion that you are making enough money to buy Venti seasonal lattes on ordinary weekdays?

You need FYOOM. Because taunting colleagues with your excesses and perceived superiority is what work is all about! (Pro tip: you won’t even need to buy a latte to taunt your colleagues, you can just slather yourself with pumpkin spice rub and transmit your own scent through the WiFi.)
FYOOM’s patented Gigabyte technology and some other technologies like funkabyte technology and whiffabyte technology and bouquet transmission technology and stench trace data technology use a USB (U Smell Bitch) port. So many technologies you have no idea. Just listen to your nose.

For a free trial of FYOOM visit the website.
Also available, FaceCrime video conferencing which makes you beautiful even if your face is so ugly that it could be a crime. And follow us for updates! Our workers are working on another video conferencing app called Psychosoft Screams! The video conferencing app where you can put this thing in your USB (U Shut-your-mouth Bitch) port and remotely kick, punch, slap or otherwise strike a video conference participant in his big floppy yapping throat.