Leaking Our Decision To Overturn Roe v. Wade Violates The Supreme Court’s Privacy And Government Bodily Autonomy

Senator Josh Hawley (R-Mo.): “The left continues its assault on the Supreme Court with an unprecedented breach of confidentiality, clearly meant to intimidate. The Justices mustn’t give in to this attempt to corrupt the process. Stay strong.”

Chief Justice John Roberts: “This was a singular and egregious breach of that trust that is an affront to the Court and the community of public servants who work here. I have directed the Marshal of the Court to launch an investigation into the source of the leak”

SCOTUS Blog: “It’s impossible to overstate the earthquake this will cause inside the Court, in terms of the destruction of trust among the Justices and staff. This leak is the gravest, most unforgivable sin.”

 

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Us Supreme Court Justices – with our staggering unchecked power guaranteed for a lifetime – should not have to fear Leftist leaks of our unfinished-yet-also-very-set-in-stone decision to strip away half the US population’s rights. This is unconscionable! It’s like Christmas came early but we’ve only got a half-baked ham and none of the presents are wrapped. To be clear, it’s still very much Christmas for us, but the razzle dazzle of the presentation is like the best part.

 

We wanted to release our ruling on our own terms. We have been denied that choice. How would you like it if your Twitter drafts were posted before you had finished tinkering with them? Your risky texts shot off before being peer reviewed by the girlies? An email replied to before you counted the exclamation points? This is the exact same thing with the exact same stakes. Have some humanity. We don’t owe anyone access to the internal processes of our government body.

 

The Court should be able to strike down with impunity whatever human rights safeguards it pleases without worrying whether someone’s gonna like, say something, you know? The Supreme Court is meant to be a sacred sanctity of secrets. Now we’re no safer than an unreleased Harry Styles album. Once the leaks start it’s impossible to say when they will stop. It’s like breaking the seal on American democracy. Who’s to say what could be leaked next? The draft of our decision to rollback LGBTQ rights? Our obvious next step of removing access to contraceptives? Our spouses’ text messages with the President’s Chief of Staff? The list of potential leaks is endless. And if we’re not safe in our own home from leakers intimidating us with our own words, then where are we safe? Soon we’ll have to write our devastating little briefs from back alleys to avoid public scrutiny.

 

This coordinated assault by the Left to shed just an ounce of light on the inner workings of arguably the most powerful branch of government will not deter us. We are 5 Justices united in sending our country back to the Dark Ages, and are frankly a bit hurt by the blindside. We had a big celebration with fireworks planned for the ruling in June. We’re as sad as all those dads when they see pink at a gender reveal party.

 

Not to mention that this was a huge decision for us, and one we’ve been dying to make for a long, long time. Aren’t we just as deserving of the privacy that everyone keeps clamoring about? It’s so hard to rebuild a sense of security after a breach of trust like this – our privacy was just violated in the most despicable, unforgivable, unconstitutional way, and we’re supposed to just carry on as if nothing happened? Who’s protecting the rights of the most vulnerable in our society? That’s right, these long robes are very hard to move around in, making us very vulnerable to being attacked, or, even worse, being dragged into hard conversations that we don’t want to have, but did, in fact, start. Who’s looking out for us?

 

Now people are all mad, and frankly that’s really annoying. It’s like we can’t go one god damn day without the harrumphs, the tsks, and the all-out vitriol. People are such buzzkills when they’re tipped off to their impending doom. It’s so much easier when they’re the ones we’re catching off guard. But don’t worry, we’ll catch the leaker and return to the regular scheduled programming of handing out debilitating blows to marginalized groups this June when the final decision drops. Fear not. We simply will not stand for any entity that threatens our sovereignty. Once someone realizes what they can take from you, they’ll never stop taking. Take it from us.