Lesser Known Holiday Specials
There used to be a time when TV shows would go on hiatus in December to be replaced by Christmas specials. That doesn’t happen much now, and people lament it because they only remember the good specials. They forget about these duds:
Ted & Bill’s Excellent Advent: Two dudes, trying to find the perfect Christmas presents for their girlfriends, travel through time disrupting events at Bethlehem, Charles Dickens’ house and the North Pole.
A Christmas Corral: A mean old varmint is visited by the ghosts of cowboys and cattle rustlers to learn the true meaning of a Christmas on the prairie.
Santa Claus is Coming: A Christmas porn film.
It’s a Wunderful, Wunderful Life: Lawrence Welk learns what Christmas would be like if he had never been born.
Dude, Where’s My Sleigh? An animated special in which a couple of elves have too much eggnog one night and lose Santa’s sleigh.
Santa Claus Conquers the Jews: St. Nick finally gets the Hebrews to see the light, so to speak.
‘Twas: Frank McCourt’s Christmas memoir.
Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer: Santa becomes increasingly frustrated when one of his reindeer won’t stop sucking up to him, disrupting the annual Reindeer Games.
How the Grinch Embezzled Christmas: Ebenezer J. Grinch, the CEO of Christmas Inc., swindles the company out of millions, lays off the workers, and dupes the shareholders while his wallet grows three sizes. In the end, he gets appointed to a cabinet post.
Men are from the North Pole, Women are from the South Pole: John Gray and Dr. Phil team up to settle some holiday relationship problems.
Frosty the Hitman: A snowman magically comes to life, then starts bumping off pigeons and stoolies.
A Charlie Brown Mid-Life Christmas: Middle-aged now and stuck on Apple+ TV, the Peanuts gang begin to realize their boss isn’t handing out Christmas bonuses this year.
Murder on the Polar Express: The kids are forced to solve the murder of Mr. Conductor with the help of Hercule Poirot, who just happens to be on the train.
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I’m a writer and live in New York City. Downtown New York. Very downtown New York. Okay, I live in Staten Island. Armed with only my wits and a keyboard, I’ve written for Cracked Magazine, The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers, Prairie Home Companion, Mad, TMI: Hollywood, and other stuff.
