Goldilocks and the Pineapple Train Wreck

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who had golden, curly hair and she was called Goldilocks. One day she went for a walk in the woods. She came upon a cottage and knocked, but no one was home.

She went in and saw a table with three chairs: a big chair, a medium chair, and a baby chair. In front of each chair was at least a quarter pound of pot.

She went to the big chair and rolled a joint, though it was clearly schwag. It didn’t taste too good, and gave . her a headache

She went to the middle chair and rolled a joint of Ozark Skunk Middies. It tasted a little better, but it made her cough like a tuberculosis victim, and the high was so-so.

She went to the baby chair, and rolled a joint of AK47 Pineapple Train Wreck. This shit was great. She was totally wasted.

Smoking all this pot gave her the munchies and she noticed that in front of each chair, there was a bowl of porridge. She tried the porridge in front of the big chair, but it was too hot and it tasted like ass. She tried the porridge in front of the medium chair, but it was way too cold and still had a little ass taste to it. Then she tried the porridge in front of the baby chair, and it was just right.

After all this pot smoking and porridge eating, Goldilocks decided to take a nap. While she was napping, the owners of the house came home. They were three bears: a papa bear, a mama bear, and a baby bear.

The papa bear said, “Someone has been eating my porridge.”

And the mama bear said, “Someone has been eating my porridge, too!”

And the baby bear said, “Screw the porridge! Somebody’s been smoking our pot!”

When Goldilocks heard this, she panicked and screamed out a lie: “Nobody move! DEA!”

And like many young fairy tale girls, Goldilocks always carried a 9 mm Beretta. The lights went out and shots were exchanged.

Bang, bang, bang, went the shots. And then there was silence.

Bang, bang, bang, went the shots again.

When the lights came on, mama and papa bear were dead. Goldilocks stood over the baby bear, with her foot on his throat and her 9 mil pressed against his forehead.

The baby bear had big, kind brown eyes and soft fur. “Please don’t hurt me,” he said, “I’ll do anything you ask. Anything.”

Goldilocks felt sorry for the baby bear, but remembered the golden rule: no live witnesses. She put three rounds into the baby bear’s head. And just like she’d seen on CSI, she wiped off her prints and gathered her shell casings.


Goldilocks walked out of the cottage and remembered that the golden rule is “do unto others as they would do unto you,” and has nothing at all to do with executing witnesses, and she was very sad. Then she remembered there was all that pot inside. She ran back into the cottage, gathered up all of the marijuana and stayed stoned for seven months.


Come back next time when you’ll hear the fable of the Mouse, the Bunny, and the Turd.