Move over Cosmo, here comes the cool foreign exchange student’s tips for an effortless bod.
French women have long been linked to timeless beauty and grace. Their thin figures give off an effortless elegance that can seem unattainable. But I, as a French man, can finally reveal these secrets for those who want to emulate their oft-sought-after body type.
1. Be Judgmental
Judging is perhaps the quickest calorie burner in this whole list. If you are too nice in France, you get eaten up alive, perceived as incompetent or naïve. Above all else, you must keep a discerning eye with you at all times and an aloof demeanor. It can be judging someone’s personality based on their shoes, or you could strike a disapproving glance when not someone is not following proper decorum. The choice is up to you, but you must be careful, this is an advanced technique. Such dedication to condescension is equivalent to 100 burpees, daily.
2. Have A Fatalistic View Of The World
If you haven’t already, try reading more tragic French literature from the Romantic era and then some post-structuralist philosophy. A good first step into the pond of Gallic psyche is the famous Sartre quote: “L’enfer c’est les autres” (“Hell is other people”). With that, you’ll start to feel more disillusioned with your surroundings, your friends and eventually the world. By continuing this daily practice, you’ll tense your abs into a ball of existential angst — which does wonders for strengthening your core!
Ah, the yoga of the French. Their daily practice of loosening the body, stretching the sense of good breath and firming up their hand to mouth coordination starts young and never stops. Thankfully, if you’ve taken a yoga class before, the breathing techniques are transferable (the minute difference being the constant puff of smoke in the air). We know smoking generally tends to create thin bodies because of lack of appetite, but it does not make for healthy bodies. But as we saw in the reason above, health isn’t always French women’s main concern as it falls under the category of yet another inevitable existential decay brought on by time.
4. Correct Someone’s Grammar
This is one of the most satisfying things to a French woman. I’ve hardly seen such righteous elation come from any other activity. The morality, the contempt — it’s equivalent to a fiber-filled juice cleanse. This is perfect for a quick midday serotonin boost to last you throughout the day.
5. Despise America but Love American Pop Culture
Americans… who needs them? They are gross, brash and full of themselves. American movies and music, however? Such joy, romance and unfurled adventure. But Americans? So loud and entitled. But Jazz, Basquiat and Steven Spielberg? The apotheosis of “art meets entertainment.” This constant back and forthing is akin to an hour on the rowing machine (hypocrisy is a full body workout).
You could always stick to the tried-and-true method of healthy foods and exercise. But why go the boring route? If the French female form is really what you’re after, you need to devote your time to perfecting these simple (and genuinely used) techniques. Just follow these guidelines and you will attain the body you are looking for with that mysterious “French Flair”!