Melania’s Whistle-Stop Tour

The odd, little out of the way places that Trump’s campaign advisors have been hiding Melania Trump from the crooked, libtard, and totally bigly rigged media:

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Beanie Genie 2016

“Rub me, and your most fantastical Beanie Baby wish will come true!” came the cheerful chirp from the plump middle-aged woman who met us at the door of “Beanie Genie 2016”, a Beanie Baby convention held in the employee-lounge of a Tucson area Dollar Store, where the aforementioned woman is employed. Declining the offer to rub her, we and Melania instead begin to converse with the group of seven or eight Beanie Baby aficionados who have gathered here today to discuss all things Beanie. “We may not have the movies, the tv shows, the quality merchandise, or the sheer animal magnetism of, say, Star Trek fans” offers one enthusiast, “but what we do have is passion. And plenty of bean dip, too! We get it from here at the dollar store, but don’t worry, it’s still pretty okay.” Things continue to go well for this visit, until the group presents Mrs. Trump with a small Beanie-Melania doll, at which point she shrieks “Voodoo!!” at the top of her lungs and flees quickly from the premises.

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Inanimate Intimates Pancake Breakfast

“A gathering of like-minded individuals who have discovered true, deep, passionate love with an inanimate object.” reads the description of this yearly event in Moist Awakening, Nebraska. “I don’t know if it’s love, but these pancakes are pretty terrific!” jokes one of our drivers. The joke is met with uncomfortable silence throughout the banquet hall, and it’s a sense of discomfort that follows us through our visit. For a group of folks so in love with their toaster, bath-tub mat, He-Man action figure, etc., this is a pretty dour bunch. We say our goodbyes early on, except for our camera-man Richie, who in the interim has realized his decades in the making love for the camera he lugs around day after day. Thanks a lot, Richie, we had all of our footage on that camera pack. Dick. Also, Melania manages to convince an individual to part with his realistic sex-doll partner, for a nominal fee, of course. One suspects that this may play a small part in the escape plan she seems to be working on in spare moments of the tour.

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Dairy Queen Refreshment Stop

The idea was to do an “impromptu” stop at a someplace the typical commoner gathers with their brethren to eat. Then sit and mingle with the locals. We drove for miles and miles. A hundred at least, and saw nothing. Finally, a Dairy Queen sign popped it’s head over the horizon. We stopped, of course, eager not only to begin this latest leg of the tour, but also genuinely hungry after such a long trip. Sadly, this particular Dairy Queen had long since gone out of business, and was now vacant but for a clan of dessert folk who had overtaken the space for shelter and some sort of blood fornication and/or sacrifice ritual. Pretty nice people, actually. They let us have some of their bugs and lizard meat, and seemingly were of a mind to worship Melania, which probably saved our asses, to be honest. A few of them even seemed like they’ll probably vote for Trump, so score!

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Flowering Orchard Children’s Hospital

Sitting with sick children is always a good photo op for politicians and their wives. Melania is always photo-ready, so this seemed to be a natural. We brought along a box of little Trump-wigs for the bald kids, and things seemed to be going along nicely. The children were sweet and good-natured, but Melania wasn’t interested, staying in the corner of the ward and playing with her phone. “This kind of thing,” she explained later, “is the kind of thing I married Donald to get away from.” We finally managed to convince her to wave at the kids from across the room, and then we were on our way.