My Petitions

Recognize That When I Lick Something I Now Own That Thing

Promote My Dad So He Can Get His Life Together And Remarry My Mom

Let Me Back Into Arby’s

Allow Me To Claim Each One Of My Personalities As A Dependent

Unlimited Prescriptions For Drugs I Think I May Need

Free Arcade Games On Tuesdays, Even The Ones That Dispense Tickets For Prizes I’m Probably Too Old For But Still Want

Free Arcade Prizes Wednesday-Monday

Extend The ‘Five-Second Rule’ To Food I’ve Dropped On The Floor To The End Of The Current Business Day

Demand The Library Of Congress To Include My Shot For Shot Remake Of, ‘Harold And Maude’ Shot On Super 8 Starring My Cats Benny And Joon With Me Providing All The Voices Into The National Film Registry

Have The President Take A Month-Long Cooking Class And Then Make Me Eggs Benedict As Penance For All Those Things He Did

Mandate The Feds To Repair My Garage After Their Raid On My Nudist Resort, ‘Paradisio Nudo’

Make ME The CEO Of Nestle!

All My Favorite Superheros Have To Be Owned By The Same Company-And That Company is Nestle!

Make Christmas Every Day Except When It’s My Birthday

Pay For A Hypnotherapist To Stop The Unrelenting Nightmares About My Failed Cheesecake Factory Franchise

Tell The Judge To Believe Me When I Say That I Honestly Did Know You Couldn’t Do That In Arby’s

Replace All Water Coolers With Powerade Carbonation Stations

Allow Me To Perform My Ventriloquist Act At The Superbowl LIII Halftime Show With My Special Friend, ‘Buster Tubbycheeks’

Award Me A Pulitzer For My Novel About A Guitar Shreddin’ Jolly Old Fat Man Who Brings Joy And Cheer To Good Little Children But Once A Year Entitled, ‘ The Carlos Santana Claus’

Rename The ‘Capuchin Crypt’ The Captain Crunch Crypt Because It’s Easier For Me To Remember

Pretend Nu Metal As A Genre-And My Middle School Nu Metal Phase-Never Happened

Protect Local Art And Save The Mural I Painted Of Me As The Christ Child On The Wall Of That Hospital

Have The Department Of Housing And Urban Planning Rezone My Neighborhood So I Own My Neighbor’s Kids’ Trampoline

Justice For Me: Boycott Arby’s!