My Petitions
Recognize That When I Lick Something I Now Own That Thing
Promote My Dad So He Can Get His Life Together And Remarry My Mom
Let Me Back Into Arby’s
Allow Me To Claim Each One Of My Personalities As A Dependent
Unlimited Prescriptions For Drugs I Think I May Need
Free Arcade Games On Tuesdays, Even The Ones That Dispense Tickets For Prizes I’m Probably Too Old For But Still Want
Free Arcade Prizes Wednesday-Monday
Extend The ‘Five-Second Rule’ To Food I’ve Dropped On The Floor To The End Of The Current Business Day
Demand The Library Of Congress To Include My Shot For Shot Remake Of, ‘Harold And Maude’ Shot On Super 8 Starring My Cats Benny And Joon With Me Providing All The Voices Into The National Film Registry
Have The President Take A Month-Long Cooking Class And Then Make Me Eggs Benedict As Penance For All Those Things He Did
Mandate The Feds To Repair My Garage After Their Raid On My Nudist Resort, ‘Paradisio Nudo’
Make ME The CEO Of Nestle!
All My Favorite Superheros Have To Be Owned By The Same Company-And That Company is Nestle!
Make Christmas Every Day Except When It’s My Birthday
Pay For A Hypnotherapist To Stop The Unrelenting Nightmares About My Failed Cheesecake Factory Franchise
Tell The Judge To Believe Me When I Say That I Honestly Did Know You Couldn’t Do That In Arby’s
Replace All Water Coolers With Powerade Carbonation Stations
Allow Me To Perform My Ventriloquist Act At The Superbowl LIII Halftime Show With My Special Friend, ‘Buster Tubbycheeks’
Award Me A Pulitzer For My Novel About A Guitar Shreddin’ Jolly Old Fat Man Who Brings Joy And Cheer To Good Little Children But Once A Year Entitled, ‘ The Carlos Santana Claus’
Rename The ‘Capuchin Crypt’ The Captain Crunch Crypt Because It’s Easier For Me To Remember
Pretend Nu Metal As A Genre-And My Middle School Nu Metal Phase-Never Happened
Protect Local Art And Save The Mural I Painted Of Me As The Christ Child On The Wall Of That Hospital
Have The Department Of Housing And Urban Planning Rezone My Neighborhood So I Own My Neighbor’s Kids’ Trampoline
Justice For Me: Boycott Arby’s!
- About the Author
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Brooke Knisley teaches in Emerson College’s first-year writing program and is always looking for a new album to listen to. She has balance issues.
My Twitter is: https://twitter.com/BrookeKnisley and I have a website at www.BrookeKnisley.com. I don’t really have much else.
