New iPhone Features That NO ONE Wanted
Blood analysis port that tests you for STDs, and then loudly announces the results every five minutes until the battery runs out.
Random, powerful electric shock that goes off every now and then just to zap any potential wild possums that may be attacking you.
App that can successfully combine the name of an elder god with the name of any celebrity (example, Cthu-Lou Diamond Philips).
Encyclopedic files of random, anonymous dick picks that are automatically sent to your mom if you don’t call her at least three times per week.
Microscopic needle that injects you with paralyzing agent in the event of a robot apocalypse.
Free app that makes farting noises whenever you’re around a pretty girl.
Special feature that alerts the police if you have more than two drinks while out.
App that reveals what you would look like if your parents were secretly brother and sister (spoiler, it looks eerily similar to what you already look like).
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
